2009’s Top 10 Worst Movies
(Believe me there's more)
By Morgan P Salvo
10) Haunting in Connecticut- Even with multi-scare tactics, sufficient acting and barfing up ectoplasm this boring descent into the genre still proves my theory beyond any shadow of doubt that a flick with “haunting” in the title sucks
9) The Unborn- this one came close to being “so-bad-its-good” but lost that footing pronto. The filmmakers must have drugged Gary Oldman and propped him up. Let’s face it---there’s just no room for a Jewish version of the Exorcist unless the Coen Bros make it. While turning brown eyes to blue, this flick clocks in stillborn / DOA.
8) The Informers – Filled with horrendous dialogue and terrible plot lines, the wretched acting abounds from the likes of Billy Bob Thornton, Kim Basinger, Rhys Ifans, Winona Ryder and Mickey Rourke in this Brett Easton Ellis penned insidious 8O’s sex, drugs& rock n’ roll soap operatic cheese fest
7) The Orphan- The hilarious twist ending isn’t worthy of the intolerable time spent in your seat waiting for it. After wading through incessant trials and psychotic tribulations amidst non-stop whining and insulting script, not even the decent gore could save this one. Send this “only child” of a movie back to whence it came
6) Surrogates- Bruce Willis’ and Ving Rames’ five minute reunion since Pulp Fiction is all grimacing and squinting. Meanwhile sexy beautiful people walk the earth, robotic mannequins run amuck, and every scene defies believability. This wannabe Blade Runner with its flaccid political intrigue comes off like Law and Order: Special Surrogates Unit... Colorful and pathetic, there’s nothing worse than this kind of brainless bad sci-fi.
5) Fast and Furious- Remake disguised as hideous sequel is revved up with atrocious car chases and mumbling. Vin Diesel has no fashion sense and the audience should demand subtitles to understand his unintelligible garbling. Paul Walker doesn’t know where he is throughout and Jordana Brewster scores no points by impersonating a Barbie doll action figure. Low on octane and cleavage this one never reached the finish line.
4) Final Destination: Death Trip- The 3-D was unnecessary, the gore minimal, the unoriginal storyline immature and pedestrian, and the acting was not… ummm… good. The only decent destination was the theatre’s exit door
3) Jennifer’s Body- yeah sure Megan Fox is hot and teenage hormone movies with blood chewing demons sounds cool. But this was a perfect example of how a great idea can be ruined by smart-ass intentions. We don’t need someone proving how clever they think they are every five seconds. The acting was fine but this was by far the most despicable display of smug screenwriting ever.
2) Paranormal Activity- This box office mega-hit did not deserve the film/video it was shot on. The fact that this flick got any recognition whatsoever, let alone the praise it received, not to mention the money it raked in, makes my head spin. This was the most infuriating movie I’ve ever sat through. If possible I’d give negative stars to this annoying piece of crap.
1) Taken—this was at the top of my list in February. Not one film surpassed it. With its Bourne Identity-like previews, wimpy Hostel rip-offs and star power of Liam Neeson it still seems “taken” from the dregs of a Michael Dudikoff 80’s action flick. Ludicrous beyond belief, more irritating was the fact that it took itself seriously. Taken is just not just 2009-bad, this could be a contender for the worst top ten list of ALL time
10) Haunting in Connecticut- Even with multi-scare tactics, sufficient acting and barfing up ectoplasm this boring descent into the genre still proves my theory beyond any shadow of doubt that a flick with “haunting” in the title sucks
6) Surrogates- Bruce Willis’ and Ving Rames’ five minute reunion since Pulp Fiction is all grimacing and squinting. Meanwhile sexy beautiful people walk the earth, robotic mannequins run amuck, and every scene defies believability. This wannabe Blade Runner with its flaccid political intrigue comes off like Law and Order: Special Surrogates Unit... Colorful and pathetic, there’s nothing worse than this kind of brainless bad sci-fi.
1) Taken—this was at the top of my list in February. Not one film surpassed it. With its Bourne Identity-like previews, wimpy Hostel rip-offs and star power of Liam Neeson it still seems “taken” from the dregs of a Michael Dudikoff 80’s action flick. Ludicrous beyond belief, more irritating was the fact that it took itself seriously. Taken is just not just 2009-bad, this could be a contender for the worst top ten list of ALL time
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