Jason-No-Die!

Friday the Umpteenth adds nothing new to formulaic concept.
by Morgan P Salvo



The same team responsible for the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre is back again with less fervor delivering more of a rote version of a tired old genre. With the newest Friday the 13th nothing has changed to reinvigorate the worn out formula. Jason has been resurrected for the sole purpose of raking in box office revenue. A remake in this genre needs to do something dastardly different - slasher flicks are absolutely dependent on being original because we’ve seen it all before. I found it sacrilege to remake TCM but Friday the 13th sinks to new depths.
The original added suspense to the grisly killings with a secret killer who’s identity was revealed at the end. Only then does the saga of hockey-masked Jason Voorhees commence. Here in redux-land we get a mini intro explaining the decapitation death of Jason’s mom ands his subsequent journey into murder and mayhem. The first part of the movie is pretty good, reminiscent of Cabin Fever which was notable in 2002 because it was reminiscent of movies such as the original 13th (are ya following here?). With vaguely interesting characters that actually act like they are speaking to each other, the inevitable demise of some camping weed poachers is hilarious, frightening and true to any early slasher flick with abundant sex, gore and nudity.
Not so much for part two. This is where we get into Prom Night territory. We get the TV hunks and supermodels of today along with the scary “who’s-out-there” vibe of the stalking Jason who will undoubtedly pick them off one by one. We must tolerate stereotypical characters, such as stoner black dude, kooky Asian, good stud, bad stud, smart hot-chick and dumb hot-chick. The second half takes place at a cabin in the woods close to Camp Crystal Lake where all the evil was dished out before. With no explanation whatsoever, Jason returns attempting to kill all the nit wits at the cabin. This version is so immersed in going by the numbers that it loses any insight to ingenuity.
Sure, Jason is huge and menacing and the ol’ standby machete is still the wielding weapon of choice but there are also bear traps, bow and arrow, ice pick, ax, wood chipper-- nothing we haven’t seen before. There’s also no creativity in the murders and not even that much gore. Although Friday the 13th does follow the ultimate Drive-In rule whereby any chick that exposes her breasts dies. I counted six… I mean three deaths that way.
Relying heavily on LOUD sounds of thwacking and sloshing emphasizing head trauma and blood oozing, the most ripped off horror franchise essentially rips itself off. It’s perpetual plagiarism of the legacy that once was Friday the 13th. There’s no attempt to separate itself from the piss-poor sequels that dominated the video stores throughout the 80’s/90s.
Riddled with bad acting only one actor (Travis Van Winkle) stands out in this entire fiasco and that’s simply because of his uncanny resemblance to Tom Cruise (only bigger and blonde).
Director Marcus Nipsel unimaginatively recreates the exact gritty look as in TCM and makes Jason just a shadowy humungous villain. Here he misses the chance to exalt in what a horror movie icon Jason Voorhees really is. Taking his place alongside Freddy Kruger (Nightmare on Elm Street) and Michael Myers (Halloween) all three have the ability to never die. Writers over decades have been coming up with ways to keep Jason going like the serial slaughtering Energizer Bunny. He’s been to Hell, Outer-Space, Manhattan, and even fought Freddy Kruger from a different franchise.
Friday the 13th will only entertain people who have never seen a slasher flick or one of the gazillion “Jason-goes-berserk” sequels. This movie should sink back into Crystal Lake forever. But as we all know Jason will splash back out, alive and well, emerging from under the murky depths to taunt us with more sequels— for once I say enough is enough.

Friday the 13th
Starring: Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker Travis Van Winkle Aaron Yoo Amanda Righetti
Directed by: Marcus Nispel 
1 ½ stars