Sisterhood of the Traveling Tire Iron

Secrets, Solidarity and Sluts attempt to resuscitate slasher genre
by
Morgan P salvo
2 stars


With a slew of horror movies saturating the market lately the genre is getting overworked. Initially Sorority Row follows almost all the 70’s drive-in rules but then morphs into cheesy wisecrack one liners, a trait started in late 80’s when horror flicks took a turn for the worse adding cleaner cut tongue-in-cheek horror clichés.
With an opening zoom into a house party focusing on naughty dancers bouncing on a trampoline with butt-exposing sleeper-jammies, you know you’re in for some form of treat. This re-make of the House on Sorority Row more resembles I Know What You Did Last Summer even though it says it’s based on a screenplay called Seven Sisters.
The plot (if you don’t own a TV set) is as follows—When a seemingly innocent prank goes horribly wrong, a group of Theta Pi sorority sisters inadvertently cause the murder of one of their own. Swearing to secrecy they vow keep it to themselves, never speak of it again, and get on with their conniving lives (like that ever works).They then each receive a text pic of a hooded figure wielding a 4-point tire iron and are hunted down one by one in their sorority house while celebrating their graduation.
The sorority sisters featured are Jessica (Leah Pipes) a super control freak mega-bitch, Chugs (Margo Harshman) nick-named for her capacity of booze intake, Ellie (Rumer Willis) the bookish glasses-wearing nerd, Claire (Jamie Chung)the sexy Asian, Cassidy (Briana Evigan) the level headed one, and Megan (Audrina Patridge) whose sole purpose is to be a slut and be killed. All possess major attitude and cleavage.
The first hour is promising, with inventive deaths, and creepy suspense. Director Stewart Hendler, crafting his first feature like he was drive-in home-schooled, gives the film a cool look by incorporating grainy film stock, washed out light and fuzzy framed silhouettes bleeding into white auras. There’s a string of bad ideas but the suspense builds with an Italian horror movie pace. The weapon of choice here is a pimped out tire iron, complete with huge blades and spear gun (I suppose one end is left to change a tire). The gory scenes come in quick thwacks followed by blood gurgling along with some “death by sound effects” off-camera kills. The nudity is relegated to a couple of shower scenes and a crack about having the best tits.
The actresses are pretty decent except Willis who, crybaby-like and whining, is simply dreadful. It seems like she got only the bad traits of her parents. Proving to still be as annoying on screen as off, Carrie Fisher (Mrs. Crenshaw) is almost impossible to look at, barking out den mother commands and sporting (yeesh!) cleavage.
The whodunit nature of these flicks is of course irrelevant as you know the killer’s identity will not be who the characters think it is. There’s so much sex and violence going on you don’t have time to play Sherlock Holmes. Just sit back for the next grisly demise or exposed breasts. And true to the genre, the killer turns out to be the last one you would even imagine or care about, the twist being a character so far removed from the story that it’s inconsequential except to give license to tons of lame dialogue near the end.
The original’s tagline, “When the Nightmare ends . . . the Terror begins” applies to both Sororities here in that a dastardly deed will not go unpunished. Sorority has its inspired moments but lacks the genius of an inspired script and falls prey to its own formulaic traps. Audiences want more than “we’ve-seen-it-all-before” with additional insult laden dialogue and cleavage. Even in remake world SR is still old hat, or in this case old spilled blood.

Sorority Row
Starring Leah Pipes, Briana Evigan, Margo Harshman, Rumer Willis, Jamie Chung, Carrie Fisher
Director Stewart Hendler
Rated R