Medieval Torture

CGI leads In the Name of the King Astray
 by Morgan P Salvo


Good lord. The Transporter goes medieval. This movie is such a pile of horse manure I hardly know where to start. I thought I could give it a pass because kids would like it, but they’re too smart for this junk, being exposed to the high-tech CGI world of Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. This film is so defiantly low-budget it falls somewhere below a Robin Hood after school TV special. It’s based on a video game of the same name. Any supporters should toss their versions in the garbage immediately in rebellious fervor.
The nutshell description involves Farmer (Statham), a simple man whose wife (Forlani) is kidnapped by ravaging and pillaging “Krugs” (ultra-crummy Lord of the Rings monsters) and his quest to retrieve her. There’s an evil Sorcerer, Gallian (Liotta) who commands the army of Krugs through magical commands, an aging king (Reynolds) whose wisdom is beyond compare, a wimpy-spoiled-brat heir to the throne (Lillard) with a traitorous agenda, a good sorcerer (Davies) who wants to make things right, and his daughter (Sobieski) who stares blankly at anything.
The rest of the movie is just about as dang ludicrous as it is painful to watch. The movie opens with Liotta and Sobieski making out, the veins on Liotta’s checks demonically pulsating and throbbing. Seeing them kiss was the revolting part, an omen of things to come.

The battle scenes were inadequately staged and supremely lame. There was no blood-spurting except for a trickle, an obvious “why bother” approach. The ‘Krugs” were poorly lit and hard to visualize. They resembled shadowy versions of trick-or-treating Mutant Ninja Turtles. The editing of the entire movie was THE most mistake-ridden crap I have ever witnessed. During a battle scene I swear I saw a monster sans the CGI treatment in a safari hat and green t-shirt. And at one point inexplicably real NINJAS appear on the good team and fight. Why? I haven’t the foggiest. Some tree-nymphs with cleavage show up along the way and helped, yet not long enough. BUT the most annoying thing of all was the music…YE GADS! It was louder than the fight scenes. The earsplitting strings overpowered the clash of swords, the trumpets bleated over the hollering of the combatants.
Everyone in this film looked like they were having a bad time, especially Jason Statham. Stoic sword and sorcery is not his forte. He should stick to punching Jet Li. Burt Reynolds either smirks or grimaces his way through his role, I can’t tell which. It’s hard to read anything on Burt’s face today with all his face lifts and hair-hats. Then there’s Matthew Lillard (Scooby-Doo) unnecessarily overacting so vehemently badly that I wanted to jump into the screen and throttle him. Ron Pearlman (Hellboy) shows up in an atrocious hairdo in the “nice –guy-you-know-I-will-die-soon” role. Pointless. John-Rhys Davies must do this grade-Z movie stuff in his sleep. His bad wig and extra make-up can’t distract from the medieval gibberish that spews from his character’s mouth. Leelee Sobieski is so HORRENDOUS in this movie she looks perplexed that she is even acting. Even the Joan of Arc leather harness outfit they make her wear for no reason doesn’t help…
But the real mind-boggling atrocity is Ray Liotta: WHAT THE FUCK WAS HE THINKING???? Surrounded by swirling magic clouds he hams it up in such an implausible way I sat there, mouth hanging open. In a perfectly coiffed hair-style bordering on John Travolta’s in Saturday Night Fever, Liotta talks kinda lispy, eyes bugging out, prancing around in a drag-queen smoking robe and ascot while cackling. During the second half he dons a leather jacket resembling one of the Back Street Boys pretending to be Shaft. Preposterous. When he floats down ala The Matrix for the big finale it is appallingly humorous. This leads to the “you have got to be kidding me” cheesy ending which will have you pondering the universe. Absurd.
I watched the credits for future avoidance, and all blame must go to Director Uwe Boll (House of the Dead). For as I endured the list of names the music got even WORSE!! Crappy minstrel-rock by Blind Guardian and then pseudo heavy metal by Hammerfall pounded the last nail in the coffin.
Like every lackluster battle scene overpowered by the music, I left the theatre feeling abnormally insulted, sadly confused, but most of all pummeled by stupidity.
In The Name Of The King : A Dungeon Siege Tale
Starring Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Leelee Sobieski, Burt Reynolds, Matthew Lillard, Ron Pearlman, Claire Forlani, John-Rhys Davies, Brian White Directed by: Uwe Boll
  ½ star