The Evil That Men … I mean Security Guards Do

Explosive Tough Guy movie Fizzles into Bland Familiar Territory in Armored
by Morgan P salvo


Judging from the previews Armored looked destined to deliver high octane thrills. Instead we are handed a weakly written and simple minded heist movie that wants us to believe it’s a character study. It’s nothing short of boring. I needed a thick shell of armor to protect me from the banality.
The intro begins with that sad tremolo guitar to induce despair and seriousness trying to resemble “indie cool” and something heavier than it is.
Long story short is armored car guards decide to hijack their own truck to the sum of $42 million. But Mike (Matt Dillon) has to convince close pal and Iraq war veteran Hackett (Stomp the Yard's Columbus Short) to get on their side. Hackett of course has financial and familial problems but at the last minute relinquishes, the last straw brought on by a welfare social worker (Lorna Raver sans Drag Me to Hell makeup). His condition is the kiss-of-death Hollywood promise that no one gets hurt. However as with all heist films things do not go as planned. So the audience watches the last bulk in its post-heist mode enduring the bloody consequences and an absurd dragged out melodrama. Propelled by greed, bad planning killer instincts, and one good conscience each guard will stop at nothing to garner their reward.
The pre-heist plot spends way too much time setting up unnecessary relations. The camaraderie in the transport locker room is strained stuff made up of the male bonding BS that screenwriters think is essential to connect us to the characters. Almost every character suffers from some kind of macho doldrums falling back on conjured up nostalgia. Stories begin with “remember when…” and “my pop used to…” Despite the capable ensemble cast this is a tough guy movie with stereotypical one-dimensional tough guys that you don’t care about. These dudes have no tangible component to elicit empathy or sympathy and can’t drag us in.
Director Nimród Antal(Vacancy) crudely helms this crime thriller allowing it to resemble a mediocre Encore Channel action movie. Armored snaps your belief system while you get to grimace at how much stereotypical hokum is dished out. There’s one scene when the guards act nervous while picking up the huge sum that doesn’t work at all. Obviously intended to seethe with suspense, with everyone darting uneasy glance, it just looks silly. Seriously, who messes with armored cars? Nimrod has ample chances to use camera tricks and quick cut editing to add some tension but relies on a couple of wide shots, slow zooms, static stationary photography and one slow moving armored car scene. The lack of substance and tension is almost debilitating. With all the essential ingredients to go all Reservoir Dogs: entirely male cast, guns, dissention and mistrust in the ranks, one cop gut shot, the mere staleness of it all is hard to comprehend. The only surprise is in what order each guard croaks.
Dillon who’s always dependable from macho dolt to lovable lunk-head lets the script sink him to new lows here. Lawrence Fishburne, pock marked and round-faced, walks through his role of drunken loose cannon. Jean Reno takes an equivalent stoop and I’ve even seen his romantic USA comedies.
The main problem is how serious this flick wants to be. Usually in a movie like this there are some laughs in “so bad it’s good” moments but here Armored is absolutely devoid of any. With its 1:28 minutes running time, slow moving pace and lack of cursing my theory is it’s vying for the next TV movie spot plus commercials.
Armored is so basic and formulaic you might contemplate the exit sign. It’s a sad thing when the structure of the abandoned warehouse is the most artistic thing in the whole movie.

Armored

Starring Matt Dillon, Jean Reno, Laurence Fishburne, Amaury Nolasco, Fred Ward, Milo Ventimiglia, Skeet Ulrich
Director: Nimród Antal
 1 star