Fast Forward

Retread uses old Model and Broken Parts
by Morgan P Salvo

Watching Fast and Furious is like having a weird dream. The whole time it was like—haven’t I seen this before? And why are they all saying things from movies I’ve already heard? This movie such a predictable hunk o’ cheese that I can only hope the video game is more fun. Neither the plot nor the dialogue graduates beyond the 8th grade. Apparently the way to make the fourth sequel is to take out “the” and cast all the main actors from the 2001 original. The opening sequence is impressive with its over-the-top oil rig truck hijacking. After that initial wallop the movie fizzles out.
The story again teams up Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) with Brian O’Connor (Paul Walker) to bust a heroin dealer and seek revenge for the killing of Letty (Michelle Rodriguez). After that it is very simply good guys vs. bad guys… period. The plot holes resound like meteor hits. Around three quarters in F&F actually stops making any sense at all. By far the dialogue was the biggest culprit, so clichéd that it was down right laughable. There are some moments of astonishing dialogue reminiscent of Tonto talking to the Lone Ranger. “This bad”. “Go here.” “Why for?” “Take tunnel.” I half expected Vin to say, “Crash site tell heap big story.” After O’Connor demolishes around 15 cars a police chief actually utters this tired old line, “You had better have one good goddamned explanation for this.” And a henchman warns “when GPS calls you follow”. Vroom!

Everyone reprising their roles looks tired and I don’t think the script called for that. Vin wears bad shirts and plods through scenes like a stoic, mumbling behemoth. Forget Stallone-- Diesel unintelligibly slurs his way through every channel of communication. I barely understood half the things he said. But thanks to the by-the-numbers script I could lip read and get the gist. Walker’s acting goes in too may directions, resulting in a mess. Trying to play five things at once—smarmy, cool, sensitive, tough and vulnerable, he sums it all up with a lot of “oh shits”. Jordana Brewster as Mia (Toretto’s sister and O’Connor’s love interest) looks like she was stamped out of a Barbie machine. And I’m pretty sure you can get a Barbie to act better. Losing her etched-in scowl, Rodriguez showing potential, has finally learned to smile but her character lasts only a few minutes. Jon Ortiz has fun playing the evil drug lord but also has retread written all over it. It’s like his character Guajiro in Carlito’s Way survived and grew up.

Fast and Furious has enough telegraphed twists to straighten a pretzel. The only surprising factor was that there weren’t as many car chases as there was plot filler. And even less time is spent on muscle cars and cleavage. F&;F is more of a (yeesh) male bonding buddy movie. Where are Tango and Cash when you need them? This flick actually resembled a car-jacking/race-driving TV episode of ‘Mission Impossible’. I half expected Vin to take off his mask and there’d be Martin Landau grunting and wheezing.

Director Justin Lin (responsible for F&;F Tokyo Drift) has the concept down but the meandering pace, the editing, the drawn out yak fests and high octane rev-ups need extensive work. The driving sequences are highly unimaginative and just fair at best. They drive through a hole in a mountain spending a lot of car chase time in a cave. Not conducive to great camera angles or believability. The staggering use of cornball music that accentuates any meaningful conversation and/or make out scene is painful to endure.

All in all I figure F&;F will please the viewing masses ( it topped this weekend’s box office) that thrive on burning rubber, loud cars, high octane car wrecks, punching people, losing tempers and tired over-used one-liners. Only problem is that the point gets across in the first five minutes. From there it’s all tedium. Let’s face it; you can’t salvage this old heap. Fast and furious has run its course.

Fast and Furious
Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster
Directed by Justin Lin
 1 star