Hexed

Damned if you do and Damned if You Don't... Jonah Hex never lives up to its potential
By
Morgan P Salvo


It all made sense during Jonah Hex’s ending credits that this PG-13 tease had Neveldine & Taylor (responsible for Crank/Gamer) written all over it. But then it made even more sense to find out they dropped out and whoever took over left the good ideas on the cutting room floor. Based on a DC comic Hex is the newest comic-book-character-turned-anti-hero movie. Jonah Hex (Josh Brolin) is an old west scar-faced drifter, bounty hunter and stoic gunslinger who can track down anyone...and anything. Jonah's violent history is steeped in perplexing myth and legend, and has left him with one foot in the natural world and one on the “other” side. Hex is hired to stop dangerous terrorist Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich), the very same man who murdered his wife and family, so of course revenge becomes the driving motive.
 After a quick origin in unnecessary cutout animation with scattershot narration throughout, the dusty plot never materializes past the vengeance theme. Hex was underdone in parts and way overdone in others. Fire seemed to be a theme, but after the bullet hailing Gatling gun in the first major scene it felt like they blew their fiery wad. Barely 81 minutes long (including credits), the end product plays like a highlights reel connecting the dots to previously filmed explosive action sequences. For a lame finale Turnball’s warmonger army attacks the nation’s capitol on Fourth of July. The weapons of mass destruction are cannon balls that look like oversized bowling balls and are detonated by glowing golden orbs.
A lot was left undeveloped, including flesh-burning talking corpses, the fact that horses, crows and dogs inexplicably follow Hex and especially the fighting acid-spitting snake-man. The only super hero power Hex has is the ability to talk to the dead cowboy-style and come up with some dang good one-liners.

Brolin just keeps getting better. No one could’ve pulled off this role as well. He’s tough and ornery while literally doing it tongue in cheek (through his branded scarred face we see his teeth and tongue). Megan Fox is shot in “Porn-meets-Cosmo” soft lens in every close up. Fox is like a sexpot with a charisma vacuum, surprisingly empty and lifeless. Michael Fassbender (Ingorious Basterds) has the most fun as the knife-wielding tattooed psychopath. Malkovich exudes all his villainy in a Southern dialect, like an evil version of Grizzly Adams meets Tennessee Williams. The list of cameos is more proof of cutting room floor trash. Michael Shannon (Bug) is a fighting ring impresario with “blink-and-you’ll-miss-it” screen time while Tom Wompat (yes that Dukes of Hazzard Wompat!) chews up a few seconds, along with Will Arnett (Arrested Development), Wes Bentley (American Beauty), and Adain Quinn.
Apparently when Neveldine & Taylor abandoned the project, director Jimmy Hayward-- an animation vet (Horton Hears a Who!) took over in a slip shot way, conducting last-minute reshoots and failing to capture the tone of a ghoulish gunslinger that would have come naturally to Sam Raimi or Robert Rodriguez. Hex is violent and brutal, yet lacking any blood or gore. All killing scenes were done off camera. I thought if you stuck a guy’s head in a whirling propeller that we would see more than a shot of his feet twitching. That’s the kind of stuff we did in high school film class.
Thankfully composer Marco Beltrami and the band Mastodon come thru with some decent sonic blasts and a frenetic spaghetti western heavy metal score.
The tagline of the Hex is “Revenge Gets Ugly” except it just gets mediocre. But even with all its glaring faults, gleaming potential and guts ripped out Hex had the feel of a decent TV show. And if it had been a cliff-hanger, I would probably watch it again next week.

Jonah Hex
Starring Josh Brolin, Megan Fox, John Malkovich, Michael Fassbender
Directed by Jimmy Hayward
2 stars