Correction...The Kung Fu Baby or where is Ralph Macchio when we need him?

Everything is Kung Fu and Irritating as Hell in Karate Kid
By
Morgan P Salvo


I never saw the first Karate Kid or its sequels. Sure some bits and pieces on TV but that’s it. Now in a remake world where all dreams come true and schmaltzy sentimentality reign supreme we have our 2010 version. Although I assume there was karate in the original this one is devoid of any or as Jackie Chan says “everything is Kung Fu”
This movie starts off bad and never recovers. 12 or under you might enjoy this KK otherwise prepare yourself for a ton of disappointment.Beginning with possibly the worst credit music on the planet and no reason behind the single mom (Taraji P. Henson) and her child Dre’s (Jaden Smith) move to China we remain clueless as to why anything is happening. There was not one second of this film where I didn’t feel I was watching a movie or I wasn’t watching actors act. It was one scene after another of sheer set up.
Jackie Chan is the maintenance guy who gives kung-fu lessons to Dre so he can gain inner peace, strength and defend himself against bullies. Predictability Is the name of the game here as we see bully kicking-ass , Rap music for basketball, Evil kung fu academy, the most ridiculous cornball kiss in film history, blonde kid channeling Jodie Foster from Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, Chi-eternal-energy-cobra-ledge-dance, phony fire rub, crybaby drunken car bashing –fu… even the “Feeling Strong Now” montage was extremely weak. This story is supposed to be about a teenager not a smug boy. We get tired of Smith’s cuteness and never buy him as a coming of age 12 year old fighting machine.
Chan as on old guy defending young thugs looks and worked better than his usual hammy acrobatic stuff. Chan mastered the humorous-buffoonery- Kung-fu in Drunken Master but thanks to Hollywood’s paychecks has become a parody of himself. Chan stays serious and heartfelt without doing his grinning imbecile routine. Henson is just stereotypical backdrop And Smith looks and acts like he’s showing off in his co-producer actor parents' living room. With his stoic little pouting act he becomes so annoying after a while you just do not care what happens to him . The evil kung fu school teacher looks like George Takei’s (Star Trek’s Sulu) evil twin
I thought I might have been meditating myself throughout this thing but I was simply bored senseless. As the images passed before me I realized I had planned the rest of my weekend. Ok maybe I’m too harsh on a kid’s movie but this was a manipulation of everything it touched with shallow messages and gargantuan sappiness. The only redeemable quote is the old Zen ditty: “Being still and doing nothing is not the same thing”
Suspense is minimal leading to the grand finale kung fu tournament. The camera zooms and spins around so much that I completely lost interest during the climactic fight scene. Face it even in the lame Rocky sequels had long camera takes exposing some solid fighting scenes.

Cute all over with the exception of Chan’s acting restraint there are no surprises in this cheesy schmaltz –fest. I left with only two burning questions: WHY did they ever move to China and where’s the damn Karate?

The Karate Kid
Starring Jackie Chan, Jaden Smith, Taraji P. Henson
Directed by Harald Zwart
1 star for Chan’s restraint