Oh dear what shall I do? Baby’s in black and I’m feeling blue

Straightforward horror from rejuvenated Hammer films

By Morgan P Salvo


The previews for Woman in Black come from the green tinted night-camera variety, showing “candid” audiences’ reactions of fright. This is the same technique employed by the Paranormal Activity franchise to sell tickets. To me it’s the equivalent of restaurants that showcase faded pictures of their food in the window: never a good sign. It’s a shame the marketing research team resorted to this kind of advertising because in actuality this is an old school Victorian gothic ghost story that qualifies for decent requisite horror and definitely could’ve been a lot worse.
This atmospheric retro chiller, set in an isolated Yorkshire village, is a production of England's revived Hammer label and features a post-Harry Potter Daniel Radcliffe in his first grown up role. Screenwriter Jane Goldman has adapted Susan Hill's 1983 novel (which spawned a radio series, TV movie and long-running West End stage play). I feel the highly unoriginal title needs some sprucing up but then again in context with this movie it suffices.
The long and short of the plot is that Arthur Kipps (Radcliffe), is a recently widowed lawyer sent to a remote village to put a deceased eccentric's affairs in order. Kipps discovers that his late client's house is haunted by the spirit of a woman and that no one is safe (especially children) from her terrible wrath. His initial arrival in the township is greeted by weird stares, people peering through windows and a general stand offish vibe from the villagers who are obviously hiding a big dark secret. This creates a nice sinister, mysterious and foreboding atmosphere. The only person who's friendly is Samuel Daily (Ciarán Hinds), a wealthy skeptic whose wife (Janet McTeer) has gone mad after losing their young son. You figure Daily is either going to be a big help, turn evil or croak by the end of the movie. Don’t worry; I won’t spoil it for you.
Director James Watkins (Eden Lake/ The Descent 2) holds a steady eerie feel to this gothic entry with beautiful shots engulfed in a strange string soundtrack, but veers way too much into big loud scares that are accentuated by what sounds like someone whapping a kettle drum with a metallic gavel. In a very simplistic straightforward style we are treated to a variety of overdone genre clichés, some effective and some not. Keeping you on the creepy edge of your seat, Woman In Black relies on eeriness, not gore.
With an Edgar Allen Poe feel, we get foggy London, dark bogs and mucky marshes, and creepy wind up dolls and toys. But the jump scares and jolts go over the required limit especially in the movie’s midsection. Watkins is more innovative in building suspense in the flick’s quieter moments, allowing sometimes only quick glimpses of what could be lurking in the corner. This effect works better then the full on big white scary face that zooms at the screen looking like it was yanked right out of The Grudge. But when we spot the ghostly woman clad in black skulking about in the dilapidated garden, it looks more like Black Sabbath’s first album cover.
It’s no secret that I generally hate haunted house movies, but I’ve decided that if a house is going to be haunted it should at least be creepy, like this one. I think we’re all tired of these new modern houses where nocturnal entities terrorize suburbia.
Luscious and corny with a very hokey ending, this flick resolves into a little too easy of a solution. WIB needs more heaped on chills and thrills, like Sam Raimi’s manic Drag Me to Hell. It seems the filmmakers believed in keeping the movie true in spirit to horror movie predecessors like Roger Corman’s Grade-B The Terror (with Boris Karloff and Jack Nicholson).
Reminiscent of yesteryear, Woman in Black is a tasteful, old-school fright-fest, emphasizing suspense and ominous foreboding and, despite the bland name and misleading previews, delivers an adequate experience.


The Woman in Black
Starring Daniel Radcliffe, Janet McTeer, Ciarán Hinds
Directed by James Watkins
Rated PG-13
2 ½ stars

Ouch That Hurts!

Run of the mill punch fest loses its footing
by Morgan P Salvo

I have a few problems with this movie. First off when you call something "haywire" we really shouldn’t wait the entire movie to find out that nobody goes haywire. I mean if you call something “”Boycott or “Slaughter” you will probably see either of those things happen. Such is not the case with Haywire, Steven Soderbergh’s newest foray into action/espionage.
I’m a fan of Soderbergh. I liked Ocean’s 11-13 and I like the guts he has to make films such as major epics (Che), low budget art movies (The Girlfriend Experience, Bubble) or the criminally overlooked Kafka. He always seems to be redefining genres and putting his intellectual slant on things, but not here. Sure there’s a cool snazzy-jazz soundtrack and exotic locales but with no real shocks Haywire is a mediocre flick that feels contrived and clichéd .The best thing about the entire movie is the stunning camera work. It’s freakin’ awesome.
The acting debut of martial arts mistress Gina Carano shows promise playing a spy-gone-rogue and victim of an elaborate double-cross. But this take on Bourne Identity with a heroine is nothing special, containing no real originality at all. She runs, she fights, she shoots, and she kicks. There are three fight scenes with the leading men in this glorified showcase for Carano’s fighting skills. The first slug-fest with boyfriend Channing Tatum comes out of nowhere and is kind of Van Damme-ish. The second (and best) is with Michael Fassbender boasting high energy punching and weapon yielding. But the final rock ‘em sock ‘em with Ewan McGregor is laughable. These actors obviously did their own stunts against the terror fighting machine that is Carano so we don’t expect much but McGregor punches like a wimp even throughout valiant editing.

The other actors are reduced to cameo characterizations and should all have been referred to as they appear: Antonio “Beardy” Banderas, Michal “Old Wrinkle Puss” Douglas, Channing “Thick Neck” Tatum –you get the picture. I look forward to seeing Carano again, fighting skills be damned.
The timing seems off in almost every scene. Anytime Haywire gets stretched for dramatic pause, the music kicks in to give it more pizzazz but that only works for a while. It’s too bad because the last thing I want to say about a Soderbergh movie is that it’s predictable but sadly Haywire is just that, especially the moronic final scene.

Soderbergh delivers Haywire somewhere between mainstream and straight to video. I suppose the main surprise is that even dealing with a very simplistic plot the director decides to spell it out for us in needless reminder flashbacks. It seems he’s done this movie before and much better with mainstream entries like Out of Sight, The Limey. Soderbergh’s highly acclaimed Traffic won him a best director Academy Award and left an indelible mark in cinematic history yet Haywire doesn’t feel clever or willing to take chances, it’s lazy. With all the talent onboard this generic movie is unforgivable. Soderbergh keeps announcing his retirement from films altogether… maybe it’s time. The only thing going haywire is my mental status as to why after this fairly dispensable chunk of film was even made.


Haywire

Staring Gina Carano, Ewan McGregor, Michael Fassbender, Antonio Banderas, Channing Tatum, Michael Douglas
Directed by Steven Soderbergh
Rated R
2 ½ stars

Low End Chills and Thrills

Finally Iceland to get noticed for more than Bjork


By Morgan P Salvo

Now that it’s common knowledge that our movie going experience is inundated with remakes from all kinds of genres I was frightfully leery of this Contraband starring Mark Wahlberg to be the updated Lucio Fulci splatter fest Italian gangster flick of the same name. Well there might be some miniscule similarities, but the Italian Maestro’s film is left unscathed. Turns out Icelandic director Baltasar Kormákur decided instead to remake his 2008 flick Reykjavik-Rotterdam.
This Contraband is a general mess on a very mediocre trajectory. Something definitely gets lost in translation from Iceland as its American counterpart is a generic pile of muddle. Still it’s not as bad as I thought it would be, possibly due to Kormákur’s (Jar City /A Little Trip to Heaven) weirdly laid back style that builds little tension over a long period of time with tiny spurts of action interspersed between odd performances.
The plot is extremely old hat: ex-thief-turned-straight (Wahlberg) must do “one last job” in order to save his brother-in-law (Caleb Laundry Jones). The smuggling takes place on a barge where all the “caper-gone-wrong:” trouble ensues. With a really unforgivable ending and loopholes you could sail the barge through, this has fairly harmless action with about a gazillion f-bombs. The banal script offers no imaginative scenes and grates heavy on the somber mood. The classic lines of “I know what I’m doing” and “nothing will go wrong” are actually uttered.
Speaking of bombs, Giovanni Ribissi once again goes into extreme cartoon mode as the ultra slime-ball mosquito in your ear (and face), irritating rather than entertaining, Ben Foster is only adequate, Kate Beckinsale is filler and Wahlberg helps his performance by keeping his whiny voice in a lower octave and cursing every other word. There’s also the villain David O’Hara that damn Scottish guy with the super gravel voice. Plus once you see the camaraderie between Foster and Wahlberg you know Foster will either die or betray--- it’s that predictable
I have never seen a movie where people blurt out the word that should be kept under wraps, in this case “smuggling”. In inopportune moments characters brag about it like it’s the coolest thing ever. ”You guys were the “Lennon and McCartney of smuggling”, “Hey what are you doing--- smuggling or something?” I wouldn’t have been surprised if someone said, “What’s that in the bag …smuggled stuff?”
In Reykjavik-Rotterdam, Kormákur starred in the Wahlberg role. That might be worth a look, as I’m sure the Icelandic take on it is far more bleak therefore more interesting. Contraband’s attempt at art-house minimalism is present and with the weird pace and fragmented direction, all in all it wasn’t the worst way to spend the afternoon. Still, go see Fulci’s Contraband. That sucker will change your life.
My favorite part of Contraband was the preview for Ghost Rider 2, I know what you’re thinking it has Nicolas Cage in it…but Neveldine and Taylor are directing and it looks mighty awesome so stay tuned.


Contraband
Starring Mark Wahlberg, Kate Beckinsale, Giovanni Ribisi, Ben Foster, Directed by Baltasar Kormákur
Rated R
2 ½ stars

Secrets, Lies and Details Matter

Welcome to the ultimate thinking man’s spy flick
By Morgan P Salvo



Cerebral, that’s the first word that comes to mind in describing Tinker Tailor Solider Spy. And that was the last word echoing in my brain as I left the theatre. Problem with cerebral on film as opposed to cerebral in print is that it’s harder to convey the feeling of something going on in someone’s head when nothing is going on onscreen. A book can go into detail about what someone is feeling and/or thinking, but long takes of people’s expressions does not make mind readers out of an audience. With little dialogue, this is a movie that benefits those who have read the book. At least that’s what I’m told by people who hail the book as a masterpiece.

Based on John LeCarré’s classic 1974 novel, the film version leaves something to be desired. The actors are all superlative, especially Gary Oldman (getting his due by finally carrying a movie with this much weight), but when very little is going on onscreen it’s very hard to decipher what the hell is motivating any of these spies. I know they’re supposed to be secretive but this is overkill. With a very simple plot that’s not built out of your basic twisty-turny super espionage, it’s all about the inner workings of spies’ brains. Luckily I was fortunate to see most of the BBC mini-series staring Alec Guinness that delved a little deeper over time to tell the story in a relaxed, coherent manner and gave me a chance to soak in all the characters a little better. The 2011 version crams a lot of mental chess playing and secretive inner turmoil into the space of two hours, and the result is like watching paint dry.
TTSS is all about a spy who comes in from the cold (coincidently another LeCarré novel and subsequent movie) to expose a mole among his peers. George Smiley (Oldman) has been retired from British Intelligence for about a year when he is asked to find out which one of the men in the senior ranks of his old agency referred to as “The Circus” is a mole, aka a Russian spy. Without official access to any of the files or letting on that anyone is under suspicion and only a few old friends, Smiley must unearth the spy with his own powers of deduction and secrecy as his weapon. You know, spy stuff.
Compiling a few decent gore scenes, the only tension filled scene is the stealing of a folder containing revealing spy documents from a secret spy library. But the coolest thing about movie is the way it looks. This is the English-language debut of Swedish director Tomas Alfredson, who directed 2008's bleak anti-Twilight vampire movie, Let the Right One In. His visual style creeps into everything. With freezing sweeps of cold grim bleakness Alfredson impeccably captures the Cold War era, the intrigue of international espionage and the repercussions of betrayal.
Tinker also boasts a British cast that is without a doubt the most impressive thespian ensemble of any movie this year. Tom Hardy (quickly becoming one of my favorite actors of all time) fills in the most animated character and dependable Marc Strong has a central reoccurring role that will keep you guessing. Above all Gary Oldman is mesmerizing. What he does with his voice, delivery and cold stare is a marvel to behold. The rest (Toby Jones, Ciarán Hinds, Colin Firth) just sort of sit and stew as the chess pieces they’ve become neutralized to in this cat and mouse slow motion game. These spies are not cut from the dashing James Bond cloth. These guys are geeky intellectual stiff-upper-lip Brit operatives who fly under the radar.

In the end you might be guessing as to why they went to all this trouble to come to such an obvious conclusion but it’s in the myriad of weird mind games that the players keep to themselves where the heart and mind of this movie lies. Their world is a suspenseful place of nerdy yet dangerous loners. It’s all about the secrecy… perhaps too much so. Deliberate and slow paced, Tinker delivers spies with existential angst. I left this movie thinking it was boring, but as I look back on how it was made, what happened and how intriguing it all was, I think it might be better than I initially gave it credit. I just might have to see it again. Damn it.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Starring Gary Oldman, John Hurt, Mark Strong, Toby Jones, Ciarán Hinds, Colin Firth, Tom Hardy
Directed by Tomas Alfredson
Rated R
3 stars

Jingle Bells, Santa Smells, Aliens are on Their Way

The Darkest Hour is a dreary yet hilarious hour and a half
By Morgan P Salvo

The genius in opening a movie like this on X-mas day is it gives somebody like me a chance to see something a little more on the creepy side instead of family-friendly Spielberg saturated over produced holiday schlock.
I didn’t think I’d like this movie and (believe it or not) this curmudgeon actually really always wants to like the movie he sees. Plus you know you’re in trouble when the 3D movie is in one the complex’s smaller theatres
The Darkest Hour takes seconds for one to realize that this is a movie that’s going to cut corners…practically all of them. A quick set-up with the two main characters as nightclub web entrepreneurs (Emile Hirsch, Max Minghella) includes male bonding, trickery, deceit and scoring chicks in a hot Moscow night club. Then after those ten minutes have passed the aliens invade and we have a compilation of every cliché stolen from every end of the world, alien invasion, apocalyptic, doom and destruction movie ever made. That’s right Darkest Hour gets no points for originality but I had no idea how truly “suck-you-into-the-void-of-another-dimension-bad” this movie is. Good news is that after a while it gets pretty darn laughable.

Yes the world has come to an end at least in Moscow and the few survivors must pass through the city searching for help and/or a way out battling the lightning bolt entities that float around stalking the remaining humans with their thermal-heat anatomy-sensing Terminator/ Predator-like scope vision. And here’s where it gets funny: when the key to their demise is found, they are exposed as a spider-like metallic skull demon in a gyroscope. I’m not even kidding.
DH’s 3D is kind of secondary but at least it’s really shot in Russia .And what’s with director Chris Gorak coming off the heels of the critically acclaimed Right at Your Door and producer Timur Bekmambetov known for directing the ultra visionary movies Nighwatch, DayWatch and Wanted slumming it for a movie that won’t even be a sleeper hits? It just might induce sleep. But the kill scenes are good fun with people vaporizing like in the Wesley Snipes Blade flicks but no blood or guts just particles. We get scratched-surfaced characters like the old bearded electronics wizard that makes a ray gun out of microwaves, or the homeless Russian waif and as far fetched as it gets the most entertaining were the Russian road warrior survivor types bent on existing only to honorably self destruct or be heroes or both.
This flick has horribly beautiful people spouting really wretched dialogue stuck in a movie they can’t act their way out of. Actually there is no real acting, just pretending and some out pretend and over pretend more than others. Hirsch (Into the Wild/Milk) acts like it’s his first movie as an adult and can’t quite make the transition.
The weirdest part is how unexplained these electrical entities are. I mean it’s a good thing this movie is short due its lack of intelligence but if DH had been a little longer the filmmakers could’ve added to the science fiction aspect by having some half-ass 50’s era scientific explanation to all this inter galactic nonsense .Seriously? Electrical charges that house metallic demon heads hunting down innocent humans? I guess I’ve seen worse. Still…
I suppose there’s’ no harm no foul when a generic flick like this comes out with its ready- whipped apocalyptic end of the world scenario where heroes are born and secondary characters get vaporized. Merry Christmas.

The Darkest Hour
Starring Emile Hirsch, Olivia Thirlby, Max Minghella, Rachael Taylor, Joel Kinnaman,
Directed by Chris Gorak
Rated PG-13
2 stars

Cruise Control

 Predictability comes off loud and clear, mostly loud in this Mission Incomprehensible

by Morgan P Salvo

Okay, I have to admit that on my drive to the theatre I was semi-excited about the IMAX experience, looking forward to hyper-realistic stunts and fist fights. Once in the theater I was told by a blank screen to prepare for “the full IMAX immersion”. I sat back ready for the eye candy. Well, it’s clear enough and plenty loud (in fact one guy in the audience yelled to turn it down a notch), but once the crystalline dust settled and my eyes focused, I seriously didn’t notice any difference from a regular movie theatre experience. Then glaring me square in the face was this entity called Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol to deal with.
This Mission Impossible follows the TV show’s prototype with the familiar theme music blaring through the credits, morphing into one big formulaic end-of-the-world chase-fest that really goes nowhere fast even though the people in this thing move pretty quickly. Cruise is back as Ethan Hunt going for the glory and gusto in an international pursuit to stop nuclear warheads from detonating. Yep it’s a race against time.
From the get-go the odds are against the MI team as malfunctions keep them at death’s door, but this is clearly not Mission “We-can’t-do-it”. The simplistic plot has no major twists or turns but some major holes. The flick tries to make up for it with some decent tension and intercutting of scenes but mainly we’ve seen all before. It’s all about the stunts, slug-fests, explosions and car chases.
Let’s talk directors for a minute. First there was Brian DePalma and the “big train scene”, then John Woo showing off his unique camera work. Up next was J. J. Abrams (Lost) going for a lot of zest. New director Brad Bird honed his chops as an animator (The Incredibles, Iron Giant) and shows some decent skills here as the action segues into even more action amidst exotic locales.
As far as evil villain history goes, following in the dastardly footsteps of Jon Voight, Dougray Scott, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman, newest villain Michael Nyqvist has about three lines as we all get to recognize him from the original Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series. Even though they’re tough guy spies, it’s fairly ludicrous seeing Cruise and Nyqvist punch each other senseless.
Some tongue and cheek humor are lost here, however, with Cruise at the helm as actor and producer. He commands too much seriousness from all involved and not enough levity. The daredevils aren’t portrayed as adrenaline junkies, as much as pure adrenaline itself.
The acting ranges from adequate to horrible to a terrible waste of time and talent. Jeremy Renner, whose character I thought was going to have nice twist, instead becomes the inevitable troubled sidekick. Simon Pegg (Shaun Of the Dead/Paul) offers tepid non-comic relief and Paula Patton (Precious/Mirrors) is the sexpot, plain and simple. Cruise has aged into this role and is way too stern for his own good. The shot of him grimacing and running his gazillion dollar ass off toward the camera with a Dubai dust storm descending upon him is hilarious. He means it. We know it’s fake. Go figure. I can’t believe I’m saying this but it would’ve helped Tom’s overall appeal if he had pulled from his Cruise-lite Knight and Day persona.
Proving way too corny, when someone says “what we are headed for is nuclear war” the never ending soundtrack actually hits a low piano note for extra drama. Sure there are some astonishing special effects, the Dubai Tower window-crawling human-fly stunts and the Buster Keaton-like final fight scene with cars and elevators are cool, and I’ll give an extra star to any movie with the line, “abort the warhead”, but the end gets all touchy-feely super cute and made me want to vomit. Yet I’m sure a lot of people will like this neatly sewn up ending leading into the next sequel possibly entitled Mission Deplorable: Siege of Stupidity.
It’s hard to fathom that it’s been 15 years since DePalma had Cruise riding that train in a tunnel to ignite this franchise that prompted Cruise to run with it. I heard MI4 was more team less Cruise but that’s not the case. That would truly have been an impossible mission--- keeping Cruise out of the spotlight.


Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Starring Tom Cruise, Paula Patton, Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg, Michael Nyqvist
Directed by Brad Bird
Rated PG-13
2 stars

Adventures in Babysitting

The Sitter is wrong on every level and that’s not a good thing
by Morgan P Salvo

Surprisingly this lame comedy is aptly titled as The Sitter sits on its hands.
Director David Gordon Green has come a long way since Undertow and Snow Angels. I guess the comedy bug hit him with Pineapple Express. Working successfully with Danny McBride on Eastbound and Down is the vilest, most offensive, hedonistic and yet funniest show I may have ever have seen, Green is back in the comedy saddle again this time with Jonah Hill in The Sitter. Green has made the worst movie of his once illustrious career and possibly the worst movie of 2011. I really don’t know why. The premise is good, the ideas seem funny but instead of a crude comedy we get a soul searching, “everything’s fine if you just accept yourself” tired old fable, like a Disney pic with swearing.
Beginning with a raunchy little scene and an in-joke nod to James Franco’s soap opera playing in the background, it seems we’re going to see a continuation of Hill’s Superbad character shooting off x-rated vulgar one-liners and proving he’s matured about as much as he’s lost weight (this movie was shot before Hill trimmed down.) But as quickly as the crudeness appears, it’s taken away. Hill’s comic timing and command of banter is awesome but is lost in this mishmash of moral ideology and channeling of various 80’s flicks. Basically this movie is Adventures in Babysitting with more cursing. We’ve seen this all before: disgruntled babysitter has something better to do (involving sex and drugs) so the sitter takes the kids on one raucous escapade after another, racing to complete tasks before the deadline of the parents’ return. We spend the entire movie waiting for Sitter to go wild but it never does, instead segueing into one lecture after another on “how to be yourself” amidst bad stereotypes and foul-mouthed dialogue. Sitter is reminiscent of Date Night which was actually funnier because at least it felt like a comedy, and that’s just not right…at all. And I saw that on an airplane for God’s sake.

All this should work in the hands of Green but the ball drops straight to hell when we realize that the babysitter is going to continue to heroically dish out anecdotes of wisdom to kids with issues. AND Sitter is responsible for some of the most inane dialogue in modern history. Chalk it up to debut of screenwriters Brian Gatewood’s and Alessandra Tanaka’s lackluster script that essentially cancels out the talent of everyone involved And what’s the deal with filmmakers once again wasting the talent that is Sam Rockwell? (Yeah I’m talking to you Iron Man 2 and Cowboys and Aliens). Sam does his best as the conflicted drug dealer but he’s up against a barricade of bad ideas.
Usually a movie that makes this many mistakes redeems itself with at least a couple of decent scenes. Such is not the case in Sitter. Sold to us by the previews as the raunchiest holiday flick ever, the true vulgarity of this lazy, embarrassing and boring movie is expecting anyone to like it.

The Sitter
Starring Jonah Hill, Sam Rockwell, Ari Graynor, Max Records
Directed by
David Gordon Green
Rated R
½ star