YO! You on the wall...Who’s the cutest of them all?

Upgraded fable isn’t as bad as it should be...but close
by Morgan P Salvo

I wanted this movie to be worse. Mirror Mirror wasn’t horrible but it’s not good either. With a safe even keel this flick excels at being nothing special. It’s not stupid enough for to me to be fully embarrassed for the human race and not campy enough to be blasé. It’s a bland prequel and retelling of the Snow White and the Seven Dwarves fable and ultimately decent enough for kids. Damn it!
Sent with cruel intentions by my wicked step-editor, I knew my movie going experience was fated to be nightmarish due to the fact that it’s Spring Break and kids are out in droves. Alas I was turned away from this kid magnet after at my first round of standing in a line of exuberant children because it was sold out. Perhaps that was a good thing.

Mirror moves along but at times engages a really slow and deliberate pace. The jokes come in intervals as the cuteness dominates the action. I was hoping for an Alexandre Aja Mirrors version where jagged glass shears peoples’ skin off and the shards would stab people’s flesh leaving them shrieking, but no such luck. Despite having such a visionary filmmaker as director Tarsem Singh (The Cell, The Fall and The Immortals) this flick suffers from being dumbed down and restrained to make the PG rating. Focusing on rich colors and closing in on Tim Burton’s territory, Mirror never steps out of a predestined comfort zone. At least Tarsem has finally made a film without “the” in the title.
The performances are good to stiff to adequate. Julia Roberts wants me to hate her, but once again she’s on par with the rest of the flick. Nathan “Hambone” Lane does his predictable spiel. Lily Collins’ Snow White is simply cute, while Armie Hammer (The Winklevoss twins in The Social Network) expresses comic timing but is reduced to an awkward level of adorable. Armie comes off more like Judge Reinhold than a gallant prince.The weirdest thing is seeing Oscar winner Michael Lerner (for Barton Fink) slimmed down in real life and reduced here to literally a pawn in their game. He plays a human chess piece The saving grace is the seven dwarves. Renamed and full of fiery vim and bungling vigor, the dwarves are portrayed as bandits on inflatable stilts (that gets one point for originality.) Not only is Martin Klebba from Feast 2 & 3 here, but they all deliver the goods as seven stooges with equal screen time and well defined characters.
The current fad in Hollywood is to churn out these “fresh” versions of old fairy tales complete with contemporary lingo that gains humor but definitely yanks you out of the moment. It’s all about the “what if” adaptation and more artistic license surrounding the prequel concept. Mirror only leads up to the poisoned apple and even that is thwarted in such a way that it rivals the whole marketing campaign of Julia Roberts holding up “one bad apple.”
Two Snow White flicks are coming out within a month of each other begging the question of which is the fairest of them all? Mirror jumps the gun yet never rises to the occasion, playing it way too safe. All I can say is, look out Snow White and the Huntsman, you’d better deliver.
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Mirror Mirror
Starring Julia Roberts Lily Collins, Armie Hammer, Nathan Lane
Directed by Tarsem Sing
Rated PG
2 stars