Ocean’s Five

Mixing Heist and Muscle Cars Fast Five delivers its intended punches
by
Morgan P Salvo

My first and main question going into Fast Five was how bad would it be? Well seriously, it’s God-awful, but it does exactly what it set out to do, succeeding in action movie formula. It stays out of the annoying range for the most part and just gives us requisite testosterone, smash ups, shoot outs, car chases, over-the-top action and muscle cars and muscle brutes. Don’t get me wrong this is still a terrible movie, but you can sit back, toss logic out the window and cram popcorn down your gullet for two hours.
This is director Justin Lin’s third Furious installment and he lays it on thick and thudding with little flair for anything but loud shit, complimenting the onscreen flare-ups with super dramatic musical explosions. Lin is adept at keeping the action formula intact: three big chase scenes, one huge fight scene and a little love interest to keep everyone who came to get their money’s worth happy. The production was shot in Rio de Janeiro using that darn Jesus statue more times than necessary.

Fast Five starts out like a powder keg, dazzling us with special effects like any James Bond entry. Although the editing was off by a mile for the tension filled bridge scene. I don’t know how anyone will miss that—oh wait everyone in the theatre did--- they hooped and hollered with joy. I guess I see too many movies. They do have rear view mirrors on trains right?
Once again the furious ones, Dominic (Vin Diesel) and his crew, find themselves on the wrong side of the law as they attempt a balancing act between a ruthless drug lord (Joaquim de Almeida) and a relentless federal agent (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson). They’ve ended up in Rio de Janeiro and must do one final job before they can “disappear forever”. Can we all say this together? … FOR A CHANGE! While the Fast series has always been about cars it takes about an hour to get to any drag racing and then we are still gypped by the actual race being off screen and alluded to later. Instead we’re treated to the street scene of Rio and all the hot babes in stilettos and mini-skirts that can shake that “thang” at us.
The funniest part is that FF with its heist sub plot feels like it’s trying hard to be tricky and intricate like a poor man’s Ocean’s 11. Good heist movies like Ocean’s 11-13 or The Hot Rock have ingenious twists and turns. FF sizzles, festers, stops, starts, sputters and clunks—you get the drift and I’m not talking Tokyo here. The plot is totally flaw riddled, but in the end, who cares?

Furious is dropped from the title yet everyone seems to be simmering in their own juices and ready to pop. Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster reprise their roles adding Tyrese Gibson and Ludacris to the mix. Walker is reduced to short one-liners and at one point repeats “I owned it!” too many times. Diesel yet again mumbles his way through his caveman gurgle and this time around wears only one bad shirt. Thankfully Brewster only has to act all doe-eyed and pregnant. Yes that’s right, there is a family theme amidst burning rubber and shattered glass. Also along for the ride is Sung Kang as “The Chameleon” who is never referred to again by that name and shows no signs of said lizard’s behavior. Gal Gadot as Gisele once again evens out the multi-ethnic assemblage.
The Rock’s “watch-me-I’m-acting” style is so horrendous and camera conscious that all I could see was him telegraphing all his ideas of how he perceives himself. Bullet-headed and more beefed up than usual, he is unbearably unbelievable. Which brings me to the ultimate question which is worse: Diesel’s mumbling or Rock’s posturing? And yes they do have a slug fest, resembling Behemoth versus Gigantor.
This movie ended like five times, so maybe that’s a double meaning for its title. The big pay off final car crunching chase scene is roughly a 20-minute sequence in which Walker and Diesel, in trademark muscle cars, drag an 8,000-pound bank vault safe (that rarely sparks) through the narrow streets of Rio, swerving around sharp corners, the vault resembling a massive monstrous mace, trashing everything (especially cars) that gets in its way. All skid marks and fireballs, this ridiculously stupid detonating climax racks up more metal than a Transformers movie.
This is the kind of flick that gets shot without a hitch and with the exception of the multi faceted action choreography there is probably not one out take. I don’t even know where to start with all the implausibility the ending musters up but…it almost gets fun. FF is as wretched as the day is long but one must give credit where credit is due.It’s amazing how little I found this movie to be annoying when every character is spouting off annoying predictable dialogue and sweating through their requisite action scenes. One of my favorite parts was the “Jack-ass” like disclaimer about stunt driving and not to try this at home.
I guess because it’s such a mockery of itself FF comes off harmless in its vapidity like one big action movie channel cartoon. There are preposterous epilogues for each character but stay tuned for the Iron Man-esque ending to set up lord knows how many sequels containing guest stars. Prepare, this franchise is going turbo.

Fast Five
Starring Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Jordana Brewster, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Director: Justin Lin
Rated PG-13
2 stars