Leave it to Beaver

 Giving “talk to the hand” new meaning
  by
Morgan P Salvo

When word of mouth and previews mislead you to believe that you’re in for black comedy it’s a rotten shame. About a third of the way into The Beaver I realized that the only humor I was going to find in this flick was to heckle it or count how many obvious beaver jokes there could have been. No, Beaver is not pornographically in-joke humorous or that weird. The only strange part is how serious this movie takes itself. Actually the puppet itself delivers some one liners in a Cockney accent, as the only spice in this dismal stew.
A chronically depressed father/husband/executive aptly named Walter Black (Mel Gibson) adopts a beaver hand-puppet as his only means of communicating to try to get his life back on track. With this oddball therapy Walter seems to be getting better: his toy company excels and even gets a blast of positive media attention. But that dang puppet eventually gets in the way of real life and takes a toll on the family.
Conveniently quirky and heavy on the drama this movie just doesn’t know what kind of flick to be. Directed by Jodie Foster (who plays Black’s wife) from a first-timer screenplay by Kyle Killen, the story takes a wacked out idea and makes it homogeneously familiar. While ideas swarmed in my head as to where I thought The Beaver might go, the plot slugged forward with understated, humorless conviction placing too much emphasis on introspection and self discovery. Every scene has one or more characters coming to grips with their inner demons, submerged in grave conversations about their troubled lives. The movie’s feigned bleakness turns out to be Hollywood schlock disguised as indie quirky.
The weirdest part is the handling of the puppet and I don’t mean the way it sticks to Gibson’s hand but the way it was filmed. At first the beaver puppet is distracting, then part genius, part annoying, then full on ridiculous as it takes a back seat to Black’s pathos and pain. We see Gibson’s mouth move, as the camera is careful not to focus on the puppet so much as Gibson’s performance.
Beaver boasts a standout cast delivering some outstanding performances. Foster and Gibson have come a long way since Maverick. Gibson looks good and haggard and a far cry from his latest drunken interview calling people assholes while totally shit-faced. Personal life aside, this dude can act. The sadness he conveys in his eyes takes talent and he nails every scene. I felt Foster just went through the motions while Anton Yelchin (Terminator Salvation) as son Porter and Jennifer Lawrence (Winter’s Bone) as cheerleader love interest Norah both tried to breathe fire into their tame dialogue.
Foster is only marginally impressive as director, providing an artistic yet by the numbers feel. Her choices are too contained and familiar, leaving us wanting more out of such a strange premise. I get it---it‘s supposed to be touching and serious and make you think about insanity, truth, loneliness and depression. But where Beaver could’ve gone all kooky-weirdo instead slides down simple escape routes to tell an over told story about family dysfunction.
We are supposed to believe that somehow this form of therapy will work but we can see trouble a mile away and an ending you hope to God doesn’t go were it does. And at the end of the day this yet ANOTHER father son bonding movie. Can someone start a pool here?
This Beaver is not too eager to please.There’s an attempt to provide us with a Network-type monologue via the Today Show that is just a bunch of psycho babble gobbledy-gook intended to ring out with heartfelt insight to the truth and everyone’s collective psyche but is just immersed in poorly written hogwash. Plus the sight of Gibson/Black talking to real life media hosts Matt Lauer(getting way too many cameos lately) and Jon Stewart is painfully not funny. I'm sure the outtakes are hilarious though.
My favorite part was the short lived fight scene between Wally and Beaver (the only in joke of the movie.) This scene invites then just as quickly drops the concept of scary psychosis and mental illness like the ventriloquist’s dummy taking over control in Twilight Zone’s “Dummy” episode, the 1964 creepy Devil Doll or the Anthony Hopkins vehicle Magic or at the very least something along the lines of Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hand from South Park.
The Beaver, while touching on intense pain and growth from within, is still an old-fashioned, heavy handed, gut-wrenching, emotional flick disguised as ”quirky” that wants you to believe that the truth shall set you free and make you cry a bunch. Too clever and forced for its own good, what this flick invokes is so old hat that one new twist can’t mask its intentions. I left wondering …wait a minute, Zoloft wasn’t an option?

The Beaver
Starring Mel Gibson, Jodie Foster, Jennifer Lawrence, Anton Yelchin
Directed by Jodie Foster
Rated PG 13
2 stars

From an Angel to a Priest

Priest offers gloomy hope and action stars that don’t have to act
by Morgan P Salvo


 What’s the deal with Hollywood’s fixation on vampires and Graphic Novels? It seems every time I turn around, there’s another wasteland apocalyptic tale of desolation and blood suckers. And what’s the deal with “Paul Bettany: action star”? Wasn’t he just a skinny British actor there for a while? Now he seems to always be some sort of angel/demon/hero with religious overtones showing off his physique.

With a storyline taken straight from John Ford’s classic The Searchers, Priest involves warrior/priest (Bettany) from a dystopian wasteland (see?) who sets aside his sacred vows, disobeys church law and embarks on a quest to track down the vampires who kidnapped his niece. He’s joined on his crusade by a trigger-happy young wasteland sheriff (Cam Gigandet sporting a really bad haircut), and a former Warrior Priestess (Maggie Q). Sound familiar? It’s a lot like Star Wars without the stifling cuteness. Based on a manhwa (Korean comic) series created by Hyung Min-woo which fuses the Western genre with supernatural horror, the novel is notable for its unusual, angular art style. Director Scott Stewart (Legion) captures some of this but succumbs to showing off his special effects credentials and forcing us to endure his Legion-style directing relying on uncomfortable scenes with unnecessary dialogue. Priest resembles Book of Eli meets Tron with some of the I Am Legend monsters thrown in. The 3D beats the hell out of Thor/Last Airbender but still is sub par compared to Drive Angry/Bloody Valentine and there is surprising ample blood seepage for PG-13.
So we have a director who made one of the worst movies ever with Legion again directing Bettany who looks like a monk with a tattoo cross on his face delivering scratched voiced whispers like Clint Eastwood. Then we have a guy who looks like Clint Eastwood from the spaghetti western days (Karl Urban) wearing a serape and broad brim who’s a vampire and evil nemesis. Of course the rival enemies have one big showdown in a Road Warrior meets Fast and Furious train chase finale.
I remember when Bettany starred and actually acted in Lars von Trier’s Dogville. How did he morph into action hero? Was it just his cold glare or handsome physique? Seems Bettany has fallen from grace stuck in paycheck movies that give him little to do except utter bad dialogue and fly around the air punching, clobbering, and stabbing things.
I thought Priest was going to be good, but it is a perfect example of great previews and only a so-so movie, begging the question, ‘vampires and more vampires, aren’t we getting our fill yet?’

PRIEST
Starring Paul Bettany, Karl Urban, Cam Gigandet, Maggie Q
Director: Scott Stewart
PG-13
2 stars

Thunderous Blunders

 Proof that the (comic) book is better than the movie

By Morgan P Salvo


I am calling BS. Listen up, I know my Mighty Thor and he did not have a beard. Nor did he look like some kind of male model lumberjack hunk. As his mortal alter ego he was kindly Doctor Blake who walked with a cane and when he pounded that sucker to the ground, turned into everything powerful and God-like from Asgard. I know of these things because I was a bonafide Marvel comic book geek when Thor was penned by Stan Lee and drawn by Jack Kirby. I was also a complete Norse mythology nut finding the Viking heroes way more exciting than those pansy Greek gods. I know all about Thor, Loki, and Odin and where they reside in the heavens across the rainbow bridge of Asgard.
Kenneth Branagh directs the new adrenaline raging pummel-fest Thor, and his switch from Shakespeare to Frankenstein with its dizzying camera angles and over the top audacity had me laughing from start to finish. So I thought there might be humorous hope with this new Marvel installment.
Sadly it’s not the case. The saga of the Fallen Norse God has been recharged into a way too convenient, a flashy tale of good versus evil and bad storyline versus special effects. The simple plot is an enraged Odin (Anthony Hopkins) strips Thor (Chris Hemsworth) of his powers and banishes him to Earth, leaving Thor’s half-brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston) next in line to the throne and Thor left with the task of proving himself worthy among mortals.
It’s no secret that Thor, along with Ironman, Hulk and the upcoming Captain America are all leading up to The Avengers. Here in Thor all we get is CGI in top form and 3D in fuzzy useless Last Airbender form, while mutant robots clank and spew fire waiting for Thor to chuck his hammer. We get a quick origin for Thor and his hammer which should be the coolest part. Thor can just about demolish anything in his path with it plus it returns to his hand like a jackhammer Frisbee. But we don’t get to see it enough as its stuck in cement in a “Sword in the Stone” sub plot. All escapades in Thor are convoluted stupid and simple. Only a few scenes reminded me of the comic. While scientists and the FBI try to figure out who Thor is and where the hell he came from, I kept trying to figure out why this movie waivered on such an inconsistent path. It’s no secret that Thor along with Ironman, Hulk and the upcoming Captain America are all flicks leading up to the Avengers movie in what incorporates a ton of superheroes. But from the shenanigans with the Frost Giants in Sub-Asgard to the cornball antics in New Mexico, we don’t get a feeling of finality but rather one big Sci-Fi channel pilot setting up for the next adventures.
All escapades in Thor are convoluted, stupid and simple. CGI is off the charts and 3D in fuzzy, useless Last Airbender form. But there is a Heat Monster and a Healing Room so after viewing this cathartic disaster I’ll take the latter
Casting newcomer Aussie Hemsworth is a mistake. He’s all man beard and steely glint. And he never wears a helmet—Thor wore a cool helmet with wings on it so much that he looked weird without it. The original Thor had a hard time comprehending anything human and therein lays his dichotomy and outsider rebellious attitude. As the lost soul having been cast banished from Asgard, Thor must have a sorrowful human existence and his plight is being a loner and outcast. But instead In Hollywood, Thor gets an immediate love interest in Natalie Portman (laying on the cuteness) and learns way too quick the way of humans.
The best part about the comic book Marvel superheroes was their conflicted world of dwelling on their soap operatic human problems. Their inner turmoil eating them alive was where the fun was. Thor only scratches this surface. The moral of this story is home is where you hang your hammer and while Thor is forced to eat some humble pie, the filmmakers expect us to swallow a slice of it too.

Side note: Chris Hemsworth was on the Australian Dancing with the stars

Thor
Starring Chris Hemsworth, Anthony Hopkins, Natalie Portman, Idris Elba
Director: Kenneth Branagh
Rated PG-13
1 ½ stars

Ocean’s Five

Mixing Heist and Muscle Cars Fast Five delivers its intended punches
by
Morgan P Salvo

My first and main question going into Fast Five was how bad would it be? Well seriously, it’s God-awful, but it does exactly what it set out to do, succeeding in action movie formula. It stays out of the annoying range for the most part and just gives us requisite testosterone, smash ups, shoot outs, car chases, over-the-top action and muscle cars and muscle brutes. Don’t get me wrong this is still a terrible movie, but you can sit back, toss logic out the window and cram popcorn down your gullet for two hours.
This is director Justin Lin’s third Furious installment and he lays it on thick and thudding with little flair for anything but loud shit, complimenting the onscreen flare-ups with super dramatic musical explosions. Lin is adept at keeping the action formula intact: three big chase scenes, one huge fight scene and a little love interest to keep everyone who came to get their money’s worth happy. The production was shot in Rio de Janeiro using that darn Jesus statue more times than necessary.

Fast Five starts out like a powder keg, dazzling us with special effects like any James Bond entry. Although the editing was off by a mile for the tension filled bridge scene. I don’t know how anyone will miss that—oh wait everyone in the theatre did--- they hooped and hollered with joy. I guess I see too many movies. They do have rear view mirrors on trains right?
Once again the furious ones, Dominic (Vin Diesel) and his crew, find themselves on the wrong side of the law as they attempt a balancing act between a ruthless drug lord (Joaquim de Almeida) and a relentless federal agent (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson). They’ve ended up in Rio de Janeiro and must do one final job before they can “disappear forever”. Can we all say this together? … FOR A CHANGE! While the Fast series has always been about cars it takes about an hour to get to any drag racing and then we are still gypped by the actual race being off screen and alluded to later. Instead we’re treated to the street scene of Rio and all the hot babes in stilettos and mini-skirts that can shake that “thang” at us.
The funniest part is that FF with its heist sub plot feels like it’s trying hard to be tricky and intricate like a poor man’s Ocean’s 11. Good heist movies like Ocean’s 11-13 or The Hot Rock have ingenious twists and turns. FF sizzles, festers, stops, starts, sputters and clunks—you get the drift and I’m not talking Tokyo here. The plot is totally flaw riddled, but in the end, who cares?

Furious is dropped from the title yet everyone seems to be simmering in their own juices and ready to pop. Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster reprise their roles adding Tyrese Gibson and Ludacris to the mix. Walker is reduced to short one-liners and at one point repeats “I owned it!” too many times. Diesel yet again mumbles his way through his caveman gurgle and this time around wears only one bad shirt. Thankfully Brewster only has to act all doe-eyed and pregnant. Yes that’s right, there is a family theme amidst burning rubber and shattered glass. Also along for the ride is Sung Kang as “The Chameleon” who is never referred to again by that name and shows no signs of said lizard’s behavior. Gal Gadot as Gisele once again evens out the multi-ethnic assemblage.
The Rock’s “watch-me-I’m-acting” style is so horrendous and camera conscious that all I could see was him telegraphing all his ideas of how he perceives himself. Bullet-headed and more beefed up than usual, he is unbearably unbelievable. Which brings me to the ultimate question which is worse: Diesel’s mumbling or Rock’s posturing? And yes they do have a slug fest, resembling Behemoth versus Gigantor.
This movie ended like five times, so maybe that’s a double meaning for its title. The big pay off final car crunching chase scene is roughly a 20-minute sequence in which Walker and Diesel, in trademark muscle cars, drag an 8,000-pound bank vault safe (that rarely sparks) through the narrow streets of Rio, swerving around sharp corners, the vault resembling a massive monstrous mace, trashing everything (especially cars) that gets in its way. All skid marks and fireballs, this ridiculously stupid detonating climax racks up more metal than a Transformers movie.
This is the kind of flick that gets shot without a hitch and with the exception of the multi faceted action choreography there is probably not one out take. I don’t even know where to start with all the implausibility the ending musters up but…it almost gets fun. FF is as wretched as the day is long but one must give credit where credit is due.It’s amazing how little I found this movie to be annoying when every character is spouting off annoying predictable dialogue and sweating through their requisite action scenes. One of my favorite parts was the “Jack-ass” like disclaimer about stunt driving and not to try this at home.
I guess because it’s such a mockery of itself FF comes off harmless in its vapidity like one big action movie channel cartoon. There are preposterous epilogues for each character but stay tuned for the Iron Man-esque ending to set up lord knows how many sequels containing guest stars. Prepare, this franchise is going turbo.

Fast Five
Starring Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Jordana Brewster, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Director: Justin Lin
Rated PG-13
2 stars

History Drags On

High on facts but low on energy
By
Morgan P Salvo

The Conspirator is a production by American Film History, a company designed and committed to portray factual history in movies. Sure enough, Robert Redford’s newest flick since Lions for Lambs seems to have all the facts straight, but delivers us such a deadpan and boring tale that by the end it’s hard to care. Conspirator rightfully belongs on the History Channel.
From the get go we see that director/icon Redford is detail oriented and infatuated with recreating the time period but to a fault, as in many cases the performances are off the mark. With such an interesting piece of overlooked history, this should have been a compelling flick loaded with angst and pathos, but as it stands it lacks tension. From the very first scene of intercutting the assassination attempt of Abraham Lincoln, the Vice President and Secretary of State with the inconsequential small talk that establishes most of the characters, the editing alone could have been pumped up for more excitement. We feel the urgency, even in thinking about the atrocities and depth of despair brought on by the Civil War, but Conspirator seems superficial and glossed over. The facts that unfold are monumental and comparable today to the political justice system and injustices at Guantanamo Bay, yet it feels like one long, slow march toward the inevitable.

The story is that seven men and one lone female, Mary Surratt (Robin Wright) were charged as conspirators in the assassination trial of Lincoln. Surratt owned a boarding house where John Wilkes Booth and the others met and hatched the plot of the simultaneous attacks, and it is up to her reluctant lawyer (James McAvoy), a Northern war hero, to uncover the truth and convince a military tribunal to spare her life.
This movie moves at a snail’s pace and is rarely interactive. We get a jury of officers with their minds made up and even though the courtroom scenes try to amp up the proceedings, the mix and match courtroom to prison gab fests feel mandatory and some unnecessary. The courtroom scenes are few and far between, containing the enthusiasm of a high school play. And with the exception of Stephen Root (who’s quickly becoming my favorite character actor) as the drunkard stable owner, the acting is just fair. McAvoy is all over the map with whatever he is trying to convey, looking lost and distracted. He seems to never focus except to get pissed off a couple of times. Robin Wright is really the only reason to watch this movie. Wright shines amidst the community theater posing.

And what’s the deal with Danny Huston? I checked, and he’s in more movies I’ve reviewed than any other actor. Just because he has a famous dad doesn’t mean he gets to be in every movie he wants. Let me let you in on a little secret… he’s not that good! He plays the prosecuting attorney/marshal and bloats himself up using that inherited John Huston gravel voice to some degree, but he’s still Danny Huston and should take a break. The guy who got to play Lincoln was robbed--- all we see is his mole cheek and beard.
Redford’s hell-bent on wowing us with the lighting techniques and his attention to recreating a Civil War era theme park, mars the storytelling. The camera angles are too disjointed and the editing seems to have been done by mail order.
Conspirator’s main aspect is McAvoy’s character’s Aiken’s moral dilemma. His legal career has taken a traumatic turn - after serving in the North he is forced into defending a Southerner. He then observes the travesty of manipulators in the legal system bending the rules and messing with the law in the name of “security”. Taking a stand for the law, human rights and an innocent a woman’s life, Aiken is then ostracized. The comparisons to politically motivated justice, the war machine and military industrial complex are clear, but in the end, all these lofty ideals get engulfed in period pieces, lack of tension and bad dialogue. History be dammed, this movie is boring!
Just like Mary Surratt’s predetermined fate, Redford seems to have designs on having us leave the theater with comparisons to present day legal atrocities, but I left questioning the time spent looking at the seat in front of me and wondering about its history and where it was made.

The Conspirator
Starring Robin Wright, James McAvoy, Evan Rachel Wood, Tom Wilkinson, Kevin Kline
Directed by Robert Redford
2 stars