Abraham Lincoln: Vampire
Hunter mixes History and fantasy and fails miserably
By Morgan P Salvo
The craziest thing about this
movie is the film doesn’t live up to the campiness conveyed by the title. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is so
deadly serious that it should be absolutely ashamed of itself. It’s as if the
history channel morphed with a bad action movie and the now standard Matrix-like effects. Sure there’s blood
spraying and wild wire work acrobatic fight choreography but this dang kung fu
kickery in the hands of a huge influential and total historical figure is a
trend that has got to stop. The “what if” theory requires so much suspending of
disbelief, that it literally defies description. What’s with this Hollywood trend to rewrite history by putting real people
of influence in completely farfetched scenarios like the recent Raven where Edgar Allan Poe helps fight crime? I just don’t get it.
In case you haven’t guessed,
this move would like you to believe (really believe) that while Honest Abe (Benjamin
Walker) was out there learning the law and stumping for politics he was also hacking,
slicing and dicing evil bloodsuckers.
According to a dairy left by Lincoln, his mom was
killed by a vampire and he swore revenge. Luckily a vampire Guardian angel
(Dominic Cooper) mentors him in a kind of Obi-Wan Kenobi meets Karate Kid in a True Blood kind of way. We are also treated to Rocky-like training including an axe
spinning montage and nuggets of wisdom dished out like “real powers comes from
truth not hatred”. This is possibly one of the biggest travesties ever to hit
the big screen. The only problem is that it’s kind of fun to watch thanks to
director Timur Bekmambetov.
So what we get is a boring
rendition of Lincoln’s
life with all the elementary school trimmings including meeting wife Mary Todd
(Elizabeth Winstead hot off The Thing
remake) the Lincoln/Douglass debates, slavery, his presidency, The Civil War
and finally the ending of Mary beckoning “Come Abraham we’ll be late for the theater”. While Abe is
struggling with his dark secret of being a fierce killer of dark undead
entities, the filmmakers are busy trying to intertwine slave trading with
vampire evil. It’s as if the filmmakers
decided to spruce up Redford’s just as dumb and lifeless tale of Lincoln’s assassination
conspiracy (The Conspirator) by
adding the juicy concept that perhaps there was more than meets the gouged out
eye.
Then there’s the vampire
thing. This part stretches the imagination to the snapping point. Without any
explanation, vampire hunting involves killing not by staking but decapitation.
Firewood-splitting Abe goes on an axe wielding mission to rid the world of
vampires, one by one, sometimes ten by ten. The legend of Paul Bunyan & the
Blue Ox is more believable. Plus anyone who knows anything about vampires will
be aghast at the liberties taken with their legend. Like why the hell do they
survive in daylight and why on earth would they ride horses around when they
can easily fly in fast motion wherever they want?
Even more ludicrously, through
weird sepia tones and washed out colors to convey the saga more “historically”
like the film is faded from time, the serious tone employed is even more mind
numbing. This flick plays out all wrong. Culminating in Gettysburg ALVH thinks it is pulling out all the stops by cramming Roadrunner cartoons, Buster Keaton antics and good old fashioned serial cliff hangers
into one movie. It’s like taking one hyper creative idea and making mincemeat
out of it. This flick just becomes more indulgent in absurdity. Just when I say
to myself at least they’re not depicting the South as bloodthirsty bloodsucking
ghouls, BAM there are confederate soldiers baring bloody fangs.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is a highly original idea that falls prey to
unoriginal conventions. Unfortunately producer Tim Burton and director Bekmambetov
clearly had a vision of what they wanted to convey but somehow the delivery is
overwrought with loopholes and mishaps. Far too serious for its own good, this
movie screams out for cheesy laughs of which it is totally devoid.. So much for
history…
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Starring Benjamin Walker, Dominic Cooper, Rufus Sewell, Anthony Mackie Mary
Elizabeth Winstead
Directed by Timur Bekmambetov
Rated R
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