Cruise Control

 Predictability comes off loud and clear, mostly loud in this Mission Incomprehensible

by Morgan P Salvo

Okay, I have to admit that on my drive to the theatre I was semi-excited about the IMAX experience, looking forward to hyper-realistic stunts and fist fights. Once in the theater I was told by a blank screen to prepare for “the full IMAX immersion”. I sat back ready for the eye candy. Well, it’s clear enough and plenty loud (in fact one guy in the audience yelled to turn it down a notch), but once the crystalline dust settled and my eyes focused, I seriously didn’t notice any difference from a regular movie theatre experience. Then glaring me square in the face was this entity called Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol to deal with.
This Mission Impossible follows the TV show’s prototype with the familiar theme music blaring through the credits, morphing into one big formulaic end-of-the-world chase-fest that really goes nowhere fast even though the people in this thing move pretty quickly. Cruise is back as Ethan Hunt going for the glory and gusto in an international pursuit to stop nuclear warheads from detonating. Yep it’s a race against time.
From the get-go the odds are against the MI team as malfunctions keep them at death’s door, but this is clearly not Mission “We-can’t-do-it”. The simplistic plot has no major twists or turns but some major holes. The flick tries to make up for it with some decent tension and intercutting of scenes but mainly we’ve seen all before. It’s all about the stunts, slug-fests, explosions and car chases.
Let’s talk directors for a minute. First there was Brian DePalma and the “big train scene”, then John Woo showing off his unique camera work. Up next was J. J. Abrams (Lost) going for a lot of zest. New director Brad Bird honed his chops as an animator (The Incredibles, Iron Giant) and shows some decent skills here as the action segues into even more action amidst exotic locales.
As far as evil villain history goes, following in the dastardly footsteps of Jon Voight, Dougray Scott, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman, newest villain Michael Nyqvist has about three lines as we all get to recognize him from the original Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series. Even though they’re tough guy spies, it’s fairly ludicrous seeing Cruise and Nyqvist punch each other senseless.
Some tongue and cheek humor are lost here, however, with Cruise at the helm as actor and producer. He commands too much seriousness from all involved and not enough levity. The daredevils aren’t portrayed as adrenaline junkies, as much as pure adrenaline itself.
The acting ranges from adequate to horrible to a terrible waste of time and talent. Jeremy Renner, whose character I thought was going to have nice twist, instead becomes the inevitable troubled sidekick. Simon Pegg (Shaun Of the Dead/Paul) offers tepid non-comic relief and Paula Patton (Precious/Mirrors) is the sexpot, plain and simple. Cruise has aged into this role and is way too stern for his own good. The shot of him grimacing and running his gazillion dollar ass off toward the camera with a Dubai dust storm descending upon him is hilarious. He means it. We know it’s fake. Go figure. I can’t believe I’m saying this but it would’ve helped Tom’s overall appeal if he had pulled from his Cruise-lite Knight and Day persona.
Proving way too corny, when someone says “what we are headed for is nuclear war” the never ending soundtrack actually hits a low piano note for extra drama. Sure there are some astonishing special effects, the Dubai Tower window-crawling human-fly stunts and the Buster Keaton-like final fight scene with cars and elevators are cool, and I’ll give an extra star to any movie with the line, “abort the warhead”, but the end gets all touchy-feely super cute and made me want to vomit. Yet I’m sure a lot of people will like this neatly sewn up ending leading into the next sequel possibly entitled Mission Deplorable: Siege of Stupidity.
It’s hard to fathom that it’s been 15 years since DePalma had Cruise riding that train in a tunnel to ignite this franchise that prompted Cruise to run with it. I heard MI4 was more team less Cruise but that’s not the case. That would truly have been an impossible mission--- keeping Cruise out of the spotlight.


Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Starring Tom Cruise, Paula Patton, Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg, Michael Nyqvist
Directed by Brad Bird
Rated PG-13
2 stars

Adventures in Babysitting

The Sitter is wrong on every level and that’s not a good thing
by Morgan P Salvo

Surprisingly this lame comedy is aptly titled as The Sitter sits on its hands.
Director David Gordon Green has come a long way since Undertow and Snow Angels. I guess the comedy bug hit him with Pineapple Express. Working successfully with Danny McBride on Eastbound and Down is the vilest, most offensive, hedonistic and yet funniest show I may have ever have seen, Green is back in the comedy saddle again this time with Jonah Hill in The Sitter. Green has made the worst movie of his once illustrious career and possibly the worst movie of 2011. I really don’t know why. The premise is good, the ideas seem funny but instead of a crude comedy we get a soul searching, “everything’s fine if you just accept yourself” tired old fable, like a Disney pic with swearing.
Beginning with a raunchy little scene and an in-joke nod to James Franco’s soap opera playing in the background, it seems we’re going to see a continuation of Hill’s Superbad character shooting off x-rated vulgar one-liners and proving he’s matured about as much as he’s lost weight (this movie was shot before Hill trimmed down.) But as quickly as the crudeness appears, it’s taken away. Hill’s comic timing and command of banter is awesome but is lost in this mishmash of moral ideology and channeling of various 80’s flicks. Basically this movie is Adventures in Babysitting with more cursing. We’ve seen this all before: disgruntled babysitter has something better to do (involving sex and drugs) so the sitter takes the kids on one raucous escapade after another, racing to complete tasks before the deadline of the parents’ return. We spend the entire movie waiting for Sitter to go wild but it never does, instead segueing into one lecture after another on “how to be yourself” amidst bad stereotypes and foul-mouthed dialogue. Sitter is reminiscent of Date Night which was actually funnier because at least it felt like a comedy, and that’s just not right…at all. And I saw that on an airplane for God’s sake.

All this should work in the hands of Green but the ball drops straight to hell when we realize that the babysitter is going to continue to heroically dish out anecdotes of wisdom to kids with issues. AND Sitter is responsible for some of the most inane dialogue in modern history. Chalk it up to debut of screenwriters Brian Gatewood’s and Alessandra Tanaka’s lackluster script that essentially cancels out the talent of everyone involved And what’s the deal with filmmakers once again wasting the talent that is Sam Rockwell? (Yeah I’m talking to you Iron Man 2 and Cowboys and Aliens). Sam does his best as the conflicted drug dealer but he’s up against a barricade of bad ideas.
Usually a movie that makes this many mistakes redeems itself with at least a couple of decent scenes. Such is not the case in Sitter. Sold to us by the previews as the raunchiest holiday flick ever, the true vulgarity of this lazy, embarrassing and boring movie is expecting anyone to like it.

The Sitter
Starring Jonah Hill, Sam Rockwell, Ari Graynor, Max Records
Directed by
David Gordon Green
Rated R
½ star