Exorcise Your Rights

 Exorcism Movies have a high rate of sucking. There are a slew of terrible, and I mean god-awful, grade z, drive-in, bad Exorcism flicks, too many to mention but let me take a stab a few highlights.

The Exorcist

William Peter Blatty’s best seller comes to life in the big granddaddy of them all. When it came out I thought it sucked and was laughably bad but now I appreciate it after the flock of copycat regurgitations. Groundbreaking a for its day William Friedkin keeps the tension up and his excellent camera work and state of the art special effects (for the time) are top notch. It’s still overly quoted; I don’t anyone who hasn’t said, “Your mother sucks cocks in hell.” 

The Exorcist II: the Heretic

John Boorman’s (Deliverance) effort to add insanity to the overall feel of this flick succeeds, however it does not succeed in telling a coherent story. Worth a look for Richard Burton’s over the top performance which is a laugh riot

Exorcist III
 Heavy hitter George C. Scott stars and screenwriter William Peter Blatty directs with some very cool cinematic tricks but the thing to watch is Brad Dourif’ performance of epic Shakespearean proportions.

 





Exorcist: The Beginning aka Dominion

Before they exhausted all the demonic trimming from this worn out franchise Paul Shrader (American Gigolo/Affliction) had to put in his two cents in an attempt to tell a prequel. This abysmal \creep-fest is another testament to Shrader’s troubled soul and scattered focus: a boring mess.

Abby

The Blaxploitation answer to exorcizing demons is one of the funniest films I’ve ever seen. The line is actually uttered by the priest at a cocktail party “Leave her body ‘demond’ (yes the d is pronounced) and get out of here!!!”

The Rite

Anthony Hopkins cannot save this flick and in fact embarrasses himself by talking on such a stereotypical overdone part. It’s not a good sign when an exorcism movie pulls down a PG-13 rating. This means the amount of blood and/or cursing is probably insufficient. Hopkins once again glints his eyes, rattles off cantankerous innuendoes and sinister wisecracks in heavy makeup as CGI-enhanced veins pop out of his skin. Think an even more possessed Hannibal Lecter.  Another bogus entry “based on true events.”

The Unborn

Not scary enough to be good and too serious to be "so bad it's good." The gab-fest generic possession story goes beyond absurd and way beyond caring if it makes sense or not. Using the same material as Possession, this debacle is a horrid piece of symbolism and illiteracy. The Unborn's verbal nonsense, which tries to set the film up as a Jewish Exorcist, is enough to numb your mind. Most people will only sit through this atrocity waiting for the next jolt-scare, vicious blue-eyed-fang-face, unexplained slimy tentacles to squirm out of a wall or the next barf scene

The Last Exorcism
 A lot of movies piss me off but this one takes the cake. Showing so much promise then disemboweled by the putrid ending is a shame because finally I thought someone had mastered the genre. This was a brilliant little masterpiece that opted for such a cop-out ending that it ruined everything it had so gallantly strived for.

 
Teenage Exorcist

80’s drive-in schlock movie extraordinaire Fred Olen Ray has Michael Berryman of Hills Have Eyes and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest fame starring in this ridiculously cute silly and sexy exorcists movie for the kids. What will they think of next?  A neurotic grad student is transformed into a raven-haired, leather and lingerie-clad seductress by a demonic master. Campy beyond redemption.

The Unholy

This has the longest and most extreme amount of blood vomiting in any movie to date. Ben Cross stars a conflicted (for a change) priest battling a demon Daesidarius, or “The Unholy” that is systematically killing off priests. A gore-ific flick.

Lorna the Exorcist aka Exorcism

Okay, this is the one you’ve been waiting for: The masterpiece of Eurotrash horror from Jess Franco. Beginning with some sadomasochistic steamy lesbian action we move on to ridiculous plot, wretched acting, hilarious dubbing and great shots of Italy photography. This also includes go-go dancing, swinging cocktail parties, racy séances, lecherous priests, blood sacrifices, tons of nudity and a really insidious plot in other words, my kind of exorcist movie. Chalk up another entry in the pantheon of perversity from the demented mind of Eurosleaze maestro Franco.