And Then There Were Three

 Stunning photography enhances straightforward story
by Morgan P Salvo

The Way Back is a grueling, stunningly photographed story of a group of prisoners who escape a Siberian gulag and walk…yes that’s right, walk, 4000 miles through five hostile countries to freedom in India. This sometimes riveting film is grand scale entertainment though disconcerting by the tediousness of the trek. Six-time Oscar nominated Director Peter Weir (Truman Show, Dead Poets Society) returns to the screen after a seven year absence with an epic yet by-the-numbers film adaptation of Slavomir Rawicz's novel, The Long Walk: the True Story of a Trek to Freedom. The veracity of Rawicz’s story has been challenged, so Weir and co-writer Keith Clarke try to address the authenticity by giving us the straight story.
Beginning in 1940 with a decent interrogation scene we are thrust into serious prison life. Way Back’s not the ilk of The Great Escape, Stalag 17 or Midnight Express, all of which focused on the inmate’s tribulations. The time spent in the prison is short lived and escape comes quick. This has an indie budget Lawrence of Arabia feel, wherein the journey takes them from snow to burning desert to snow again. I wished more time was spent setting up the characters in the prison, but this movie is not about the prison, it’s about the debilitating trek. Each character has an on-the-journey monologue for back-story. Throughout the scenic drudgery these men’s will to live forces them onward, battling sandstorms, mirages, snakes and mosquitoes. They are in perpetual motion, with very little dialogue, drama or conflict between them. Some parts were hard to swallow, like these guys can go all caveman eating raw meat off the bone but become gentleman when a young waif (Saoirse Ronan from Lovely Bones) appears. Even the mad killer (Colin Farrell) with no morals whatsoever plays nice.

Jim Sturgess’ protagonist Janusz is wily throughout. Farrell energizes the film stealing every scene he's in as the silver-toothed, tattooed, violent and cagey Valka. If you’re looking for the Ed Harris role of a lifetime forget it. Harris who always embodies his roles has little to do here except to suffer, be gruff and sensitive. The real star is cinematographer Russell Boyd, whose panoramic shots capture the cool locations, stunning vistas and ever changing environments beautifully. Every character departs either by death or just by a different path with no grandiose Hollywood mainstream flair. Filled with scenes of extraordinary survival challenges the result is oddly impersonal and indifferent. Summing up with a history lesson depicting Poland’s 1989 freedom from communism and a page from Saving Private Ryan, Way Back is slow-paced and unbelievably boring in an “artistic choice” kind of way.
The Way Back
Starring Ed Harris, Jim Sturgess, Colin Farrell, Saoirse Ronan, Marc Strong
Directed by Peter Weir
2 ½ stars

Pass the Bug Spray

Unoriginal banter destroys more than crime fighting in the abysmal Green Hornet
by Morgan P Salvo

The Green Hornet arrived after a ton of negative buzz in the notorious mid-January cinematic dead zone and raked it in as the biggest box office moneymaker of the week. Based on the 1930s radio and 60's TV show of the same name, The Green Hornet features Seth Rogen as Britt Reid, playboy heir to the publishing empire built by his father (Tom Wilkinson sleep-walking through his mean-old-dad routine). After dad croaks, party animal Reid inherits the newspaper company, teaming up with late dad's assistant and eventual sidekick Kato (Chinese pop star Jay Chou) to become a masked crime-fighting team. Their mission: to rid Los Angeles of a local crime czar (Christoph Waltz). Green Hornet is yet another tongue-in-cheek costumed crime-fighter, but neither Iron Man nor Hancock sunk as low as Rogen’s tubby icon of idiocy.

Rogen wrote the screenplay with his frequent collaborator, Evan Goldberg (Superbad and Pineapple Express), and here the same old jokes are tired and fall flat. Rogen’s spoiled brat shtick is a disaster. His character is immediately irritating and then continues to deteriorate rapidly while his unoriginal and predictable motor-mouth banter wears so thin that you can use it for saran wrap. Rogen’s never ending running commentary is too annoying to be humorous. Let’s face it, the bromance shtick has run its course.

Bruce Lee’s shoes are hard to fill, but Chou has an interesting take on things. Chou is the only one who brings life to his character, but pitted against Rogen’s non-stop yak fest, he doesn’t stand a chance. By far the best scene is in the first few minutes when we see a short-lived uncredited cameo by James Franco and super-lame villain Chudnofksy (Waltz), who verbally duke it out in a crime boss stand off. The lack of a script for the rest of Waltz’s (Inglorious Basterds) unfunny performance as a villain suffering through a mid-life crisis is astonishing. Waltz tries his damnedest, but the wretched material drags him down with it. And what’s the deal with Academy Award winners and their super hero fixations? Halle Berry did Catwoman, Charlize Theron did Aeon Flux, even Phillip Seymour Hoffman did Mission Impossible 3. Now Waltz can join the ranks of statue winners who go on to suck. Cameron Diaz starts out with her ditzy grinning spiel and ends up in shorty-shorts as goofy secretary filler. Edward James Olmos as newspaper editor Axford safely just got old (some may remember him as the half-Asian origami-making agent in Blade Runner).

The flick has sharp colors and a comic book feel, but the awful script does nothing for the typically innovative director, Michel Gondry magical filmmaking style(Science of Sleep, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind). Still, he seems to have a blast keeping a Kick-Ass sensibility without blood and minimal cursing. There are also some cool surreal Kato fighting sequences. The animated ending credits and the tricked-out Chrysler Imperial are the best parts. The 3D explosions, shattering glass and hurling metal don’t even reach the theater seats. Shot with 2D cameras and transferred, it has the look of a View-Master, adding support to my belief that 3D is just a way to charge 13 bucks for movies that don’t deliver.

From the bad dialogue and black masks to the green smoke and last spray of bullets, this is one tedious, joyless ride. Some extremely irritating things were: gratuitous Johnny Cash music just to be hip, playing the “I can’t swim” sensitivity card and the use of the line “these guys are good” when getting pursued and shot at. Then there’s the ridiculous fight scene between Kato and Britt where the 3D effects glaringly expose the obvious Rogen stunt double.

Green Hornet wastes no time in being stupid and fails to sustain any satisfying momentum. The film slogs on with elaborate gadgetry and crazy bombastic action, but after a huge array of comedic misfires, devolves into a numbing onslaught of raining bullets, car chases, fire and explosions. When it nears the end, instead of any kind of redeeming climax, the film becomes even more repellent and I seriously doubt that was its intention. I think the filmmakers think this movie is funny and clever – but it’s neither.
A more apt title for all affected could be: Bring me the head of Seth Rogen

The Green Hornet
Starring Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Cameron Diaz, Cristoph Waltz, Edward James Olmos
Directed by Michel Gondry
Rated PG-13




½ star

Call for Phillip Morris

Catch and release zany escapades go in and out of prison and gay lifestyles
By Morgan P Salvo

I thought this flick was a cigarette ad at first but was I ever mistaken. It's taken almost two years for the whacked out hilarious comedy I Love You Phillip Morris to finally reach theaters. Premiering at Sundance in January 2009, the movie was a near-casualty of nervous U.S. distributors and in fact had a showing here at last year’s Bend Filmfest to glowing reviews. This flick lay dormant in cinematic limbo but rest assured this flick is now out in all its colorful gay pride and screwed up glory. A comedy that’s recklessly fearless perhaps producers shied away from two big stars like Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor big stars doing gay-for-pay in a crazy twist on romantic comedies.

First off I have to admit I can’t stand Jim Carrey. The only movie I really liked him in was Man in the Moon where he pretty much channeled Andy Kaufman .Other than that he can take his cartoonish rubbery face and jittery body movements way the hell outta my face. But wait! Lo and behold Carrey does a phenomenal job in this flick. I mean it! So did McGregor who has been pissing me off with his movies choice for about half a decade. Plus the movie itself is a well written comedy/dramedy/tragedy by directors John Requa, Glenn Ficarra (the Bad Santa team) and is like a combination of Raising Arizona meets Catch me if you can.
Starting out with “this really happened, really it did” ILYPM is based on Houston Press reporter Steve McVicker's 2003 book about the real-life adventures of multi-talented con man who frustrated and embarrassed detectives and jailers for years. Steven Russell (Carrey), an ultra hetero leading the straight and narrow life as a Virginia Beach, Georgia cop and church organist, happy with wife, Debbie (Leslie Mann) and daughter. But Steve’s hetero existence covers the fact that he’s ramming it home to a big mustached guy on the side. Steve has a rude awakening while driving home from a secret rendezvous. The epiphany comes in the form of a near fatal car crash and some hilarious profound statements like “I'm gonna be a fag!" .Then he moves to Florida

Steve is a misguided con man, embezzling money and pretending to be a lawyer or financial investor while pathologically risk addicted and financing his messed up “high on the gay hog” lifestyle. He states at one point “being gay is expensive” which lead him to a life of crime. Finagling all his bamboozling for love never realizing he’s destroying everything he’s striving for. Winding up in prison and through his impulsive, diabolical brilliance attempts many an escape, still Steve never seems to come out of his love-fog in order to become the man he thinks he is.
I detected some “pretending” going on instead of acting but the dialogue’s humor is so well written that you forgive these minor diversions. The love stuff feels comedic throughout which is fine because it matches the tone of the movie. By the ending scenes however I totally believed their shared love-pathos..
Carrey excels in every scene. For once all his manic delivery has a purpose and he digs deep into all the more touching dramatic moments. He deftly shows us a man who’s tragically incapable of being saved from him self, a homosexual who couldn’t be legally or ethically straight, either. I think the deal is Carrey’s more believable as gay. McGregor exudes a great submissive passive personality but when he’s fed up you feel for him his tainted love.
The straight roles are a crack-up to endure and have the timing of great comedy as creepy and stupid characters emerge. The music runs the gamut from Johnny Mathis to Foghat
There are so many cool twists and turns to this story that right when you think you’ve got it figured out—forget it…it is full of constant surprises. This go-for-broke nastiness story of love and crime is definitely not for the homophobe or homo-squeamish but anytime a scene verges on corny or schmaltzy a laugh-out-loud piece of dialogue appears sometimes off screen that can have you rolling in the aisles. I could go on and on quoting lines from this movie here or relating hilarious visuals (watch for a certain cloud formation or the Screecher), but really just go see it for your self to get the full effect.
I went into his movie leery of a Jim Carrey vehicle that would be like fingernails on a blackboard but I came out of this movie still snickering to myself at how freaking funny and well made this flick really is.

I Love You Philip Morris
Starring Jim Carrey, Ewan McGregor, Leslie Mann, Rodrigo Santoro, Antoni Corone
Directed by John Requa Glenn Ficarra
Rated R
3 1/2 stars

Pain in the Gulliver

Throw Away the Brochure as The newest take on a classic novel is a no-thrill ride
by
Morgan P Salvo

This crazy trend to make 3-D movies these days only pays off if… let me think…it has really cool freakin’ 3-D-looking things popping out at you. The only thing popping out during Jack Black’s insipid new movie Gulliver’s Travels were my eyes in astonishment at how bland, generic and totally sluggish the entire flick on every level.
Sticking only vaguely close to the original novel Lemuel Gulliver (Black) is a lowly mailroom clerk who lies about being a travel writer to impress a woman in the office (Amanda Peet), who then sends him on an assignment in the Bermuda Triangle. After a Perfect Storm-type hurricane, he suddenly finds himself a beached whale and giant among men on the hidden island of Lilliput. The tiny people there are in the midst of a war and have a miniature kingdom to protect. Gulliver is their immediate giant and savior. Then it’s all about Jack Black antics and everyone staying on cruise control. Gulliver’s has the requisite fairy tale scenario: queen, king, princess with suitor-below-her-station, and the evil general vying for the princess’ hand. All the actors playing these roles (Catherine Tate, Billy Connolly, Emily Blunt, Jason Segal, Chris O’Dowd) are usually capable of some entertaining stuff but here in Lilliput they are stuck, meandering in the crosshairs of a dull and lifeless paycheck movie.
In Jonathan Swift's 18th-century classic novel which parodies human nature the Lilliputian theme’s adaptation if handled right is a good moral and just tale, not to mention the religious ramifications of worshipping false idols. The most creative film adaptation was the Preston Sturges directed film Sullivan’s Travels starring Joel McCrea. This flick touched on the subject through a writer’s journey into poverty and seeing that people are all decent and the same no matter what class they are--- rich, poor, white, black, big, small. Here that message is only hinted at by stupid little references --- “it takes a big person to accomplish that”, “there are no small people” etc.
Black’s best role was in Tim Robbins’ Bob Roberts wherein he was actually acting and not playing some sort of extended version of his smarmy self. Here he embarrasses himself every scene he gets. We get the snippet version of Black playing Guitar Hero, urinating on a burning castle, dressing up in a little girl’s doll dress, smirking, dancing like a dolt, using the word “Dude” a lot and easing into essentially doing nothing. Basically we have a severe case of posing here. We get Jack Black lite – I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the movie would have benefitted from his usual over-the-top performance. I know he has kids but does he have to join the rank of actors with children (we’re talking Eddie Murphy here) who play it safe with lousy movies?
Shark Tale's Rob Letterman apparently directs from another room using a script by Nick Stoller (Forgetting Sarah Marshall) and Joe Stillman (Shrek). You’d think with this kind of talent we’d get something more visually substantial and at the very least a few chuckles here and there. Instead we are pummeled by lame pop culture references, a Steam Punk look, a nonsensical Iron Man rip-off, a tiny person’s Kiss concert and a tired and over worked Titanic’s “top of the world” parody. Really this has no place in any movie, adult, kids or otherwise. But the most painful to watch was the horrendously choreographed dance number to Edwin Starr's anti-Vietnam anthem, “War (what is it good for?).”
This entire flick is a disappointment. Kid movies have been upgraded—didn’t the filmmakers get the memo? Missing were the in-jokes for adults (as in Shrek) who get dragged by their kids to see these flicks. Gulliver’s wasn’t so bad to be totally evil, it was just plain innocuous. Devoid of any real humor, the dreary Gulliver’s Travels is stale on every account, a pathetic attempt at entertainment while lacking any 3-D pizzazz. Even kids will notice the vacuum created here as it just feels lazy. To quote Edwin Starr—Gulliver’s Travels –what is it good for? absolutely nothing…say it again. GT might’ve been a big production to make but it as kid’s flick it stands small in stature.
.Gulliver’s Travels
Starring Jack Black, Jason Segel, Emily Blunt, Amanda Peet, Billy Connolly, Chris O'Dowd
Director: Rob Letterman
Rated PG
1/2 star

The Worst of 2010

The list can go on and on. Considering the onslaught of duds there really wasn’t a lot of flicks vying for best movie category this year, which is why I compiled a list of the ten films I just absolutely hated this year.

1. Babies

Goo-goo dada. This is just a garbled batch of poorly made home movies in which only cuteness is documented. One can only take so much crying, peeing, grinning and crawling no matter what country they’re from. For those of you smitten by babies, cuddle onward. But if you are one who is immune to the charms of, or perhaps even afraid of, babies – avoid this at all costs.

2. Legion

Prophecy in a diner. The acting is atrocious, it’s the worst script imaginable, the demonic angels are ridiculous, it’s predictable beyond redemption and every stereotypical thing that could happen, happens. PLUS Dennis Quaid is worse than ever...in other words I took a bullet for the team when I sat through this one.

3. Knight and Day

Cruise and Diaz’s star power dwindles as they flash their pearly whites, giggle and act supremely stupid in this lame action-less dud.

 
 4.. Prince of Persia

Focused on a “magical” dagger, this flick is the true weapon of mass deception.

 
 5. My Soul to Take

More horror schlock from Wes Craven. No reason for the script. No reason to film it. No reason for 3D. No reason for me to voluntarily devote two hours to this, and I’d really like those two hours back.

6.The Karate Kid

Overly cute remake, plus there’s no damn karate— it’s all kung fu!





 7. The Last Airbender

M. Night Shyamalan shouldn’t be allowed to borrow against his Sixth Sense success ever again. The director has cashed in the few remaining chips he had left with this pile of crap.


8. The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans.

Anyone praising Nick Cage’s “frenetically charged comeback” is either wishfully thinking or delusional. This is one of the most irritating flicks thanks to Cage’s eye-bugging “watch-what-I-came-up-with-for-this-character” acting. Abel Ferrara had every right to slam Herzog for this thoughtless hunk of shit.
 

9. Inception

Why anyone would think this movie is smart, intriguing or, in some cases, brilliant is beyond me. Listen, if I have a dream infiltrated it’s gonna have a lot more cool surreal things like zombies, strippers, scary monsters, nonsensical dialogue with witty repartee, colorful lizard demons and morphing weapons. The only intrigue in this movie was how long it took for that damn van to drop off that bridge. This one put me to sleep. Gimme a break.
10. Salt

This Angelina Jolie vehicle incorporated all things espionage and lame. Generic to the hilt, bullets flew, people got shot, shit blew up. Meanwhile, Jolie jumped off overpasses and bounced off semi trucks. I figure I have seen this movie either seven or 750 times, I can’t remember and am way past caring.