Hackin’ and Hewin’

Machete’s riotous good fun doesn’t skimp on the exploitation
 By Morgan P Salvo

Machete’s origin stems from a pseudo movie trailer (and one of the highlights) in the B-movie homage Grindhouse, Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantinos’ double bill. Machete is a fine gory, pulpy action thriller about a hitman/ex-cop professional slasher seeking revenge on very bad people. Not only do things start off with an immediate bang and an El Mariachi feel, within the first five minutes Machete delivers ample badass dudes with big knives, guns, sluts and gore…this is my kind of flick.This revenge film’s roots go back to Rodriguez’s first casting of Danny Trejo, a knife chucking dude in the 1995 film Desperado. Trejo as Machete carries the film in a Charles Bronson/Charles Bukowski kind of swagger. If you IMDB Trejo you’ll see a scary-looking ex-con from San Quentin and veteran actor with over 200 movies under his belt. Trejo’s badass-ness is funny yet the movie, co-directed by Robert Rodriguez and Ethan Maniquis (longtime Rodriguez editor), never treats him like a joke. Machete trudges through all the violence gore, corruption that’s ladled on him in heaping doses. Trejo has about 10 lines but does a bang up job just being ultra cool, extra tough and super hip.

Machete manages to weave in and out of all plot loopholes and stick to the corrupt avenging saga incorporating a melting pot of immigration, political corrupt power, revolution, unbalanced media, blackmail, propaganda and just plain heroic adventure with bad one-liners. Rodriguez & Co rip through Mexican culture with pride sufficiently supporting the violence by its humorous and creative edge. Yes, guys with big weapons and chicks in hot outfits and high heels are gratuitous and over-the-top, but the film’s self-awareness has respect for its 70’s exploitation. Every single one of Machete’s sexual dalliances is enhanced by 70’s porn-sexploitation-disco-wah-wah music. Lines like, “We didn’t cross the border; the border crossed us” and “Machete don’t text” are destined to be quoted classics. The religious imagery is hilarious throughout and of special note is a scene with the best use of a splattering intestine in a movie ever.

The cavalcade of stars propels this flick. There are no real cameos: everyone has abundant screen time to establish their characters. Steven Segal’s Torrez is totally evil, Jeff Fahey’s Booth a two faced bungling political slime, and Cheech Marin’s Padre, a cursing gun-wielding priest. The redneck vermin include Robert De Niro’s Senator McLaughlin, a combination of George W. Bush and Dukes of Hazzard’s Sherriff Roscoe, and Don Johnson’s Sherriff Stillman, a deeply prejudiced cowboy with grey Elvis sideburns. Michelle Rodriguez’s Shé, a smokin’ hot revolutionary legend disguised as a taco vendor. Jessica Alba’s Sartana an INS agent with all the outfits from Modesty Blassie, and last but not least Lindsey Lohan as April, a damsel in distress who finds salvation in a nun’s habit.
Everyone’s having fun here.

Seagal shows up with samurai sword and Nehru jacket fatter and with more hair than he had in the 90’s. Art imitates life when Lohan is discovered in a meth lab while wallowing in her own puke. The shameless age-defying pairing of Alba and Trejo is a huge joke but watching him make out shirtless with an equally topless Lohan and her mother (Alicia Rachel Merek) in a swimming pool is downright laugh out loud funny (and wrong).
Alba is too cutesy for her role and blows it continuing to tease with naked scenes exposing only her side breast.
Tito and Tarantula came up with a great soundtrack. But Machete’s lackluster ending was all buildup and fizzled out like the time to finish it had expired. The climactic face-off between gardeners, dishwashers and day laborers and their squadron of colorful tricked out chopped low-riding Mexican machines devolved too quickly. The Gatling gun mounted on a motorcycle handlebars explosion was merely lifted from the original trailer. The ending comes off like a disjointed three ring circus, piling up one idea after another, barely sewing it all together cohesively instead of one grandiose culmination. It seems to only touch the surface of everything Machete had been leading up to. This is strange considering Rodriguez’s comic book forte. Maybe that’s the curse of dual directing.
Knowing full well that we’ve “Pissed off the wrong Mexican” the ending credits tell us to watch for Machete Kills, the next installment, and hopefully they aren’t just teasing.
Machete
Starring Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez, Jeff Fahey, Jessica Alba, Steven Seagal, Don Johnson, Robert De Niro
Directed by Robert Rodriguez, Ethan Maniquis